Without A Voice (Based On A True Story)

Forgiveness

Our season ended at the quarterfinals of the playoff. We lost a heartbreaking 0-1 to a tough Waimea High School. I was very upset at first, but I knew what I needed to do to succeed next game. My graduating teammates were sent off with a memorable, honorable season. That was all I could do for them.

I had to adjust to being a normal student again. Without high school soccer, I had some free time until the off-season started. I took that time to go off the grid and focus on myself. It was a traumatic season and I needed to rebuild myself. I had to rediscover what made me happy.

Kourtney texted me once since the incident at the field. Her last message was pretty much saying I was "immature for snatching my bag like that". I didn't respond, not wanting to fight with her. Catherine didn't hear anything from her either. She was worried Kourtney was doing something dangerous. One day, we chatted in Coach Jeff's class.

"What if she...?" Horror came over her at the thought of Kourtney doing something drastic.

"I know she's your friend," I said, "but you can't think like that. If you're curious, just ask how she's doing." Catherine agreed and texted away. I thought about what she said. What if she did commit suicide? What if it's because of me? Can I live with that guilt? I was brought back to the classroom with a tap on the shoulder. Catherine showed me her phone screen with a message from Kourtney:

'Hey, I'm doing okay... You?' At least we knew she was alive. Catherine responded quickly. A wave of relief crashed over me, but something else surfaced: a sense of care for Kourtney. I felt elated to know she was okay. Was it because of the potential guilt of her possible suicide or something more?

"I have to go." I stood up and walked out the door in a haste. I thought about potentially losing Kourtney, and a heavy feeling came over me. The world turned silent as I walked aimlessly through the campus. Every thought was of her. It was as if I was possessed. Then, It made an appearance after weeks of hiding.

"What do you think you're doing?" It said maliciously.

"None of your business." I snapped internally. I was somehow capable of keeping the conversation in my head.

"Listen you little punk!" It grew impatient.  "You need me! Look at yourself! You are considering getting her back! You're as spineless as ever!" I paused, both mentally and physically. Its words rung in my head. The conflicting beliefs deeply puzzled me. 

"What's wrong with that?" I tried to sound as confident as I could, but I knew It sensed my fear. 

"She cheated on you! She hurt you! And you what her back?! How stupid are you?!" This was the angriest I have ever seen It. I assumed it was against Kourtney. But I wasn't about to let it convince me so easily.

"People change." I responded. Then, everything went black. I couldn't see anything; I was consumed by darkness. "Hey! Where am I?"

"Welcome to my realm." It's voice echoed. It's glowing red eyes appeared a few yards in front of me. I frantically looked for an exit, but it was useless. Everything was dark and devoid of hope. "You don't look so tough now, do you?" It taunted me.

"What do you want?!" I shouted. "What happened to my body?!"

"Don't worry about that." It mocked. "You're on autopilot, walking loke an idiot."

"Send me back!" I demanded. It simply smiled maniacly at me.

"Very well," It said tauntingly, "on one condition."

"What?!" I snapped. It glared at me. I refused to back down to him. I just wanted to return to reality.

"You little punk! Don't you dare talk to me in such a defiant way! Consider this your last warning."

"Fine. Now, what's your condition?"

"You can go back as long as you don't ever talk to that horrible girl again." I paused for a moment to consider my options. "And if you choose to disobey my wishes, you will die alone." It's threat frightened me. I knew It was capable of making such things happen, but I couldn't do that to Kourtney. Then, the faint vibration of my phone shook the darkness.

That was my ringer for class. I was still on autopilot. Panicking, I agreed to It's demands. It chuckled, and I returned to my body. It felt like I woke up from a horrible nightmare. I snapped out of my daze and ran to class with only minutes left.

It was February, Valentine's Day to be exact. I always hated Valentine's Day; I ended up alone while everyone else had someone special to share the holiday. I thought about Kourtney, but it wasn't without picturing It. It's threat rung in my head. As a teenager, it was a tough decision to make. No one could know either; I didn't need another reason to be alone.

I tried to focus on school. In my welding shop class, we were making metal roses for Valentine's Day. We were asked to make three for a grade, but could make more if we wanted. I decided to make five: one for Mother, Father's memorial, and three extras. I didn't know who the three extras were going to but it took my mind off the holiday.

I decided to skip lunch and work on some personal projects. I, along with six other students, were selected to go to Japan for our Japanese studies. We were leaving in June, which left little time to practice. I wanted to be as  prepared for the trip as possible, especially learning the importnat phrases. I searched for travel information and tips. Then Catherine and Faith sat down at my table.

They just got their lunches and wanted to sit with me. It was nice knowing others actually wanted to be around me. I closed my laptop and chatted with them. But it started out rocky.

"Are you okay?" Catherine asked symapthetically. Great, now I remember what I tried to block all day.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I sighed. She gave me a half-smile, nonverbally telling me it'll be all right. Faith slapped her playfully on the arm.

"What are you doing?!" She asked, "You're making him feel worse." Catherine rubbed her arm.

"It's okay," I said chuckling, "It was a legitamite question. This isn't exactly my favorite holiday anyway. I'm more of a National-Chocolate-Day kind of guy." We laughed for a while.

"Well, do you have anyone in mind that you'd want as a Valentine?" Catherine asked. In that moment, I knew who two of my three extra roses were going to.

"Nope," I responded. "I have something a lot better: two of the greatest sisters a guy could ask for." I took the metal roses from my bag and handed them each one. "I never had friends before coming to Faraday. But I'm lucky enough to gain two wonderful sisters. I couldn't ask fort better people to have in my life." They started to tear up. We had a group hug and continued talking.

I had one rose left. The choice was obvious who I was going to give it to, but there was much at risk. More importantly, how would I feel? Was I really ready to forgive her for cheating on me? Did she deserve my forgiveness?