i already know that this is gonna be all over the place so i apologize in advance.
to be honest i dont really know where to start, i just feel so depressed and emo. i'm not gonna lie, these feelings were triggered by all the bangtan theories and a chapter that i wrote for "guilt" so please bear with me.
anyways, i dont know about you but for me, it's really easy to come online, put on a smile and "perform" for people. it's so different compared to real life because i actually have time to think about what to say and by the time that i want to reply, i've already told myself countless times to say something positive because i feel the obligation to paint this perfect picture of my life- or what's going in my mind and heart.
i've literally only briefly told three people about my past or what i'm currently struggling with. that's besides the fact that i miss my dad, because i think that the whole kpop wattpad community already knows since i've repeated it so much. but before i start ranting about my issues, please don't think that i haven't told you anything because i don't feel close or comfortable with you. it's just that i try to keep my conversations or at least my side of them positive.
i started self-harming when i was 11. it started out as only once per month but as i grew older and started high school, it turned into a part of my daily routine. anyone who's a twin knows how much of a pain it is to be compared to one another, it's just something that you were given at birth, you simply can't avoid it.
it hurts, it really stings when you're the one who's always being put down and no, i'm not saying that i wish that everything that was said and happened to me, happened to parnia because i truly adore her. but it just really fucking sucks when you're constantly called the "uglier twin" or the "chubbier twin", the list goes on and on. i always felt secluded and the littlest things made me feel self conscious. for example, once our ex pe teacher told us that i was the "cute" twin and parnia was the "sexy" twin. normally, people would feel flattered being called cute but for me, it was like they were calling me disgusting. i for real feel so sad even typing that out.
so all this comparing crap started when i was in grade 8, we just transferred to a new school. parnia had three boys running after her as soon as we started and i was a loner, basically. my mom took me to therapy but i felt like the the lady wasn't any help, so i switched to another therapist and another one and another one. i struggled a lot in the first year, it got to the point where my parents decided to fly me back out to iran to take me to a therapist that they'd heard a lot about. i left for about 3 months in the second term of grade 9 and i came back more of a wreck than i was when i left.
remind you, i was only 14 and i was cutting myself everyday, smoking shisha (another word for hookah, for those of you who don't know), talking to the wrong people, disrespecting my parents, wasting money on stupid things, not eating or sleeping properly, skipping school, basically everything that my parents thought that i wouldn't be doing. it sucks so bad but i'm glad at the same time because i don't remember most of the things that i did or said since i was always on pills (from yet another therapist).
after about two years of failed suicide attempts and struggles to get my shit together, i stopped doing all those that i mentioned and managed to graduate with decent grades. i still have most of the scars left on my arms because i cut them too deep and i really, so badly want to get rid of them but i'm also happy that i have something to look at everyday to remind me that it'll eventually be okay.
fast forward to today, as you already know, my dad's been gone for five months and my sister, my mom and i are living in the usa. we don't have money to go to college right now, we're trying to work and save up as much as we can but we don't have a lot of opportunities to do so. not going to college means no social life so i've been stuck with practically no real life friends for the past 7 months, while parnia on the other hand talks to this boy 24/7. it's just so fucking hard because i started to compare myself with her and realized how much of a loner i really am. that's why i try to make as much friends as i possibly can on here, so that for one, i can have nice people to talk to and two so that i won't feel like a complete loser next to her.
i just don't really feel like i want to wake up. i want to stop breathing for a second, i just want a break.
i honestly don't know why i just poured my whole life story line out on here but i guess i just don't want anyone to think that they're alone because i know that the feeling of being lonely itself, can make everything seem so much harder to deal with. i don't want anyone to look at people on here and think that their lives are perfect and all rainbows and unicorns, and then feel more shitty about themselves.
yes, i may be inactive on here but you can always message me on kik/kkt/line/insta/sc/snow and i'll try my best to provide you with some sort of comfort. you can even text me if that's what you prefer (+707-3371169). please don't think that you're a burden because you are far from that, i might not know you all that well but i promise you that i care.
with all that said, i'm going to try to distance myself away from wattpad just a tiny little bit so that i can focus on bettering my real life instead of neglecting it. my "account rates", "book reviews", "mix n match" books will all be temporarily closed, just so that i can stop stressing about requests. i'll also try to finish "guilt" and post the answers chapter as soon as i can before i lose inspiration.
you can choose to either believe my struggles or think that they're made up, and you can also choose whether or not to take this out of context but at the end of the day, my friends know that i'm not that type of a person.
please pray for me, and i will pray for you.
i love you sososososo much
