The Hitchhiker's Guide to General Nonsense

Chapter 7

  At the other side of QuizUp, on the planet Hamilton, orbiting the star Mass Effect, 500,000 light years from Sol, something extraordinary was about to be unveiled. For years, it had been the secret home of the Heart of O.O Gold. It was the perfect location, remote, unheard of, and unnoticed. A boat sped across the beautiful but annoyingly large oceans of Hamilton. It carried Jondum HBF Baublebrox. He was his way to a desert island, the only type of land on the planet. Jondum was on his way to the Heart of O.O Gold island, which was, coincidentally labeled Sherlock.

Jondum HBF Baublebrox, part Salarian, part humanoid, good-timer, horribly bad at personal relationships, a travesty at parties, and "president" of General Nonsense.

Only 6 people knew how the government of General Nonsense actually worked, and once Jondum announced his candidacy, they all knew. He was perfect presidential material. What they couldn't understand was why.

Today was the day everyone would know why he had run for president. It also was his 200th birthday, but that was just another coincidence as meaningless as life itself.

The 6 people in the universe that knew how the government works knew that the president doesn't actually hold power, they divert attention from it. And HBF was phenomenal at that.

He waved and grinned at 3 billion people. It wasn't that they were all present, there was a little camera bot that followed him around like it was Izzy, watching and recording his every move.

He stepped into a globe with a sofa, and while he knew it was ridiculous, it was flashy. He sat down onto the sofa, and away they went to Sherlock.

There was a small pocket of press. The government had tried to get him to read a prewritten speech, but pages 1 and 4 were currently in the ocean and pages 4 and 7 were being used in an eagle's nest made of paper.

After an unspecified period of time, as relativity meant that there was no absolute time, Jondum HBF Baublebrox finally arrived at the island. Hail to the thief.

He went up to the podium. He scanned the crowd for a particular face, and found it soon afterwards. "Hey" to Rainipril. She was HBF's girlfriend, even though HBF always denied it and said "She's just a girl."

He turned to the crowd. He needed to be as flashy as possible, to put on a good show. So he just simply said "Hi" to the crowd. Then, after an awkward silence, he said "Hi" again because that's fucking annoying. The engineers got sick of it quick and just unveiled the Heart of O.O Gold. Except it didn't look like a heart. Normal people said that it looked like a running shoe, but no one was normal, and everyone snickered to themselves, as it looked like a big dildo.

"Wow. This is amazing. So amazing I would like to steal it." Classic presidential quote.

He couldn't take it anymore. He yelled "I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT," threw a bomb (a Jokes-o-Matic one, so cringey it paralyzes you) into the crowd, and ran to the Heart of O.O Gold through a sea of cringing faces.