Homicide. What I feel like I have. Definition: relating to or tending toward murder. I get annoyed by MANY things. But I definitely don't hurt people. It takes so much from me and my body, to not just smack the person next to me. In the halls at my school, everyone's on their phones, and they stop walking or walk slowly, and block paths.
I push them out of the way. I fucking push kids. This may not be homicide, but it fucking kills me inside. I fucking feel like the fucking devil. Like, it's clawing the good in my fucking heart. It's like, living with two devils. One on each shoulder, and your angel is locked up, in the shallowest part of your body.
The worst feeling in the world...
I hate it. I hate everyone, honestly. Fucking family and friends. Everything. It's fucking ridiculous. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I always fucking imagine people dying. Like, people I hate, the only thing that keeps me from hurting them, is imagining a brutal hit in my mind. So instead of physically hurting people, I entertain my bloody mind of images of people I hate, getting hurt. I fucking talk to myself in my bed before I sleep, saying fucking things I want to shout in everyone's faces.
I'm the worst in the world. I fucking think of deaths, just to CALM me and entertain me. Like, who the fuck does that???? It's like, damn asshole, get your fucking shit together. Like, STOP fucking thinking of people fucking DYING. It's so DAM STUPID.
If I could with no consequences, I would fucking hurt my family. Fucking shit. Torture. Fucking savage. Vicious. Like I'm fucking BLOODTHIRSTY. Damnit, and I can't fucking say this to my therapist. Like, WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS WITHOUT RIPPING PEOPLE APART. Like TRAPPING them! I want t kill SO many people. It's so FUCKING ridiculous.
As you may know, I was going to try and point this book towards reflecting on issues and problems. How bout' this. I write horrible problems and stuff like that I have in one chapter, then in my next, I write a reflection on it. How bout' that? Better?
Ok, I'm so sorry. I just HAD to write this. But anyways...
Bye guys, don't die...
YOU ARE READING
Reality Checks // WARNING VERY DEEP AND DARK
Non-FictionA journal, logging every damn second of my life. Well, not literally. Read this to learn from my own mistakes, things that I've seen, how I cope with stuff, and to get a laugh. Some chapters will be personal, but I decided to share them, to share...
