Treat you better

13. The Sun Will Rise And We Will Try Again

This is the end, just something to show how Dean is coping and recovering with Cas by his side :)

I remember the last time I had a panic attack.

Cas says that's bad, but I feel like it's not. I still feel like I need to be punished, that being hurt by Josh wasn't enough. I don't look forward to them, they scare me. It's been months since all the accidents, and I still have nightmares. Those usually lead to me waking up and having a panic attack. 

But, every time, Castiel is there to hug me and pull me back.

He's a blessing and a curse; I can't get what I feel like I deserved, but he protects me. Me. He has been here through everything, and he's the main reason I'm getting better. My suicidal thoughts were unbearable when I was released from the hospital, but they're gone now, Castiel saved me. 

"Dean? Dean? Are you okay?" I looked up slowly, meeting the blue eyes that were showing concern. Ah, he was always worried, about me. I hate it, I don't want him to be worried about me night and day. "I'm fine, Cas." I murmured, closing the book in front of me. Currently, we were in the back of History class, and the teacher didn't seem to mind Castiel talking to me like he used to. 

Castiel sighed and stood up, giving me a look, before leaving. I glanced up at the teacher, and he just nodded, letting me trail after Castiel. Once out in the hall, he grabbed my hand and stared into my eyes. "Tell me, Dean. Don't hold back, we've been doing so well." My teeth gritted against each other. 

Everything lately has been about me being so close to being 'okay'. No, I am not going to be okay just if people say so. I'm not okay, I am not fine, I am still hurting.

I'm just better at lying now. 

"I don't know, I'm fine." My eyes cast down to my wrist, where old scars lined my skin. I haven't felt the urge to cut lately, but it's gnawing at me, it's snarling and growing stronger. It's like a beast that gets stronger when not fed. "Cut the bullshit, Winchester. You are not fine, I can tell." Cas grabbed my face and forced me to look at him, and my heart spiked, making me trip backwards. 

Fuck, why can't he go away? Why can't I fucking stop seeing him everywhere? He isn't Castiel, he isn't Castiel, he isn't Castiel- my body relaxed, arms wrapping themselves around me. "I'm sorry, I thought we..." Cas trailed off, and I squeezed my hand into a fist. Why is it so hard to tell him? 

I don't...I don't want to make him leave. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to cause anymore trouble. Maybe that's why it hurts to speak the truth. "I can't do it," my voice sounded different, more broken than usual. I felt Castiel tighten his hold on me, my body slouched against his in vulnerability. 

"I'm not getting better," Yes, you are, tell the lie. "I see him everywhere, I feel him everywhere, I lied, I'm not getting better, I'm never getting better so I don't understand why the hell you're still here!" My voice rose to a shout, and I shoved Castiel away, my breathing uneven. "I'm a lost cause," my voice cracked, and my wrist itched for a relief I couldn't provide at the moment. "why didn't you let me die?"