Untitled, By Unknown

40: Also The End

Writing time: 23rd June 2017

No quotes. No clever references hidden in the text. My words. Mine alone.

So. Here we are. Took long enough.

87,000 words, more or less. Forty chapters. One year and one week of content. Eight months of work- well, eight months and one day to be precise. October 22nd 2016, to June 23rd 2017. So yes, I'm writing literally hours after the last chapter finished. Hey, I like to keep on top of things.

What an adventure it's been. Out of secondary, into the joy of love. For a bit. Then something that can be very loosely described as love. Parties, holidays. College, where I met who I thought was the perfect person for me. Ha. In the meantime, dated somebody else who'd unwillingly suggested the idea. Good days. Bad days. Isolation. Reward. Revelations. Alterations. Alterations. Surprises. Darkness. Light. Community. Separation. Some homopolymeric- or I guess hetropolymeric if I'm going to be technical. Dreams come true. Then it was over. I'm going to presume it was different to the average life. That's me- different.

Recently I've been thinking about what this story would have been like if I'd started it a year earlier. I probably would have started it with my breakup with my first ex. Then into mock exam revision, as well as that bonus AS level I did. The first time I swore- it was actually over that half term. The mocks themselves. The final Duke of Edinburgh hike, the Berlin trip. Discovering my sexuality through my feelings for the archetype. That summer, the party at the tall one's house. Coming out to them in his hot tub. Y11. Choosing a college. That one holiday in the countryside. Fully coming out, the pain of that. Another party, discovering my feelings for my former crush. All of Drama. All the drama. The GCSE exams themselves. Then free. I'd likely end it there. Perhaps on a little glimmer of hope: 'Hey, the emo's put me in touch with this guy. Maybe that'll go somewhere?'
Conclusion is, it would be a different story. Certainly eventful in its own right, albeit less so. Yet not enough for me to write about it. How do I know? Simple. I didn't. Hell, I had the idea for this after Chapter 10 unfolded. It took me two months to develop the concept from what had happened, another two to cement it. All of that above, and writing it down never crossed my mind, only details sneaking in through flashbacks. Plus, I think we can agree what actually happened was much more interesting. And yeah, the tone's not consistent. The whole thing is embedded with angst, and frankly the entire thing just seems unlikely. But it works, in its own convoluted way. Frankly, I'm proud of it.

I know novels are supposed to have a purpose. Some profound message, a method of support for those in need. But inevitably it fails at that. Thinking about it, it's a character study, as every autobiography is. You can even see me grow and change throughout. It reminds me of looking back on old school notes, seeing how my work has changed. It's never clear how, but something's always different to when I started, and I'm better off for it. Obviously, this is difficult to generalise to a typical teenager- I'm hardly a champion of viewpoints on mental illness, being LGBT, growing up, etcetera. I can only say what I've seen. Maybe you can learn something from it. Maybe it's useless to you. Doesn't matter. At the very least, I'd like to think this was mildly enjoyable. To sympathise, empathise, laugh at. But there is the chance that this may have helped in some fashion, even if, for the people who know who I am, it was a chance to understand me better. Which I know for a fact it did. I've been told as such. Even worked to the extent that I got a boyfriend out of it. Again, it's unconventional, but I'm not complaining. Four days strong so far. He's coming over tomorrow. All manner of a particular and restricted number of events could happen.
If you're an analytical sort, you might infer that the 'Him' I've been referring to since the beginning was the leader all along in a metaphorical sense, despite me thinking otherwise. That's especially evident during Chapter 2 when I say I'll 'use this as a way to ask Him out', which is exactly how it started between us. Remarkably prophetic. And by the fact I actually introduce the leader as Him in Chapter 32: 'No. There had to be someone. Him!'
(That whole theory is rubbish by the way. Only actually works when I'm being non-descriptive, as He was a real person. But if you like it... sure. Go for it.)

And yeah, he is a decent part of the reason I'm stopping. I'm leaving it on a positive resolution. As a whole, that's what I want to do, stop it at a reasonable point that seems logical and almost works as a story. From here, my life could go anywhere. Going to New York at the end of July, where there's the smallest chance I'll see Brendon Urie on Broadway. My counselling starts again on Wednesday. That Fantastic Beasts application might go somewhere. Exam results. I did consider re-editing later on to reveal what I got, but decided against it. I'm leaving you blind; in my position. With that. With my future. With him. It's ever so possible that I've messed my exams up and I'll spend time just days from now wistfully staring back at these words after my relationship has crumbled to dust. I have no idea. But he wants to make it work. So for once, I have hope. Better than that... I'm happy.

So if there is a message to be gained from this whole endeavour, I suppose it's this: Live. Don't dwell on the past. Really, that's what I've been doing this entire time, obsessing over tiny details from months before. It's almost consumed me. Since Chapter 37, I've actually been writing essentially live, almost blogging so I could get chapters finished as quickly as possible. You know why? Because I was so scared he was going to call everything off, I wanted to get this completed so I could end it without having to admit to you that it was over. It sickened me that I held this to such a high regard, maintaining my work over fear it would be anticlimactic. So in a way this is for the best. Don't become what I strayed towards, locked in memory. You can't stay trapped in the past. That's boring- you know the ending. Try the present instead: it's a bit more unexpected... and if you're lucky, much more entertaining.

I confess, I lied. I've just got to finish with a quote. Can't knock every habit. And I think you'll agree it's a pretty good one.
Well then.

To days to come.
All my love to long ago...