Lift Your Head Weary Sinner

41- Lift Your Head Weary Angel

It was late at night and everyone was presumably asleep after a long Game of Thrones marathon. Sam had passed out next to Y/N on the couch and Dean was in his room. The only person unaccounted for was Cas who hadn't been seen in a few hours. Y/N switched off the television and gently covered Sam with a blanket. On the way back to her room she passed by Cas' door and heard sniffling. The youngest Winchester backtracked and stood in front of the door for a minute to make sure she wasn't hearing things before she knocked timidly on the solid door.

"Cas, it's me. Can I come in?" Her soft voice echoed in the empty hall.

"Yes." The voice that replied was just as soft as her own, but shaky and gravely. Y/N opened the door to see Cas sitting crisscross on his bed with his head in his hands. He was wearing his trench coat again. It had been a long time since she had seen that coat and despite his obvious state of disarray she managed a small smile. Hesitantly she crossed the room and took a seat on the bed next to the forlorn angel. No, human.

"Cas, what's wrong?" It was a rhetorical question. She knew the answer, but the lack of verbal protocal for this situation left her with no other words. Y/N knew he hadn't taken any of this easily; the poor guy had had his grace stolen from him, he had been tricked, and as a consequence all the angels had fallen. And he blamed it all on himself.

"I can't do this, Y/N. I do everything wrong, I try to do the right thing and I just end up hurting those I love." His voice was dry and timid and he clutched the coat, pulling it around him like a small child. Sorrow cloaked him like a mist, wrapping around him and leaving him confused and terrified. For once in his life he was afraid. Afraid that he couldn't help. Afraid he was useless. That she wouldn't love him anymore because he wasn't an angel. He couldn't protect her. Y/N's heart hurt at the emotion in his voice and she wrapped her arms around him.

"Castiel, I know you," Y/N's quiet voice whispering his full name sent a warm sensation through him and he turned to face the H/C-haired girl. "You're so strong. Sam, Dean, Kevin, and I... We need you. Cas, I need you." Her voice was punctuated with sorrow. "None of this is your fault. You did the best thing you could've done. You did what you thought was right." Y/N said encouragingly, kissing the messy-haired angel on the cheek. Even if he wasn't a real angel anymore, he was her angel and nothing would change that.

"But it is my fault." He retorted sounding weak and defeated, "My brothers and sisters are fallen because of me. God shouldn't have brought me back, I only bring destruction." He said, whimpering the last part. His eyes were on the bed, head bowed.

A fire flamed up inside of Y/N as she heard what he said about himself. She moved so she was straddling his lap and gently cupped his face. Under different circumstances, Cas would've been thrilled to have Y/N so close to him, especially in this position. But nothing mattered anymore. It was hopeless. Y/N would never love him, not after what he had done.

Ever so slowly, she raised his head, but his eyes remained on the ground. So many times had Castiel done the same for her. It was her turn now to be the comforter and protector. To be the rock, the firm foundation in the stormy sea that was their lives.

"Castiel look at me." Y/N said firmly. Cas managed to pull his gaze from the floor, meeting Y/N's E/C gaze with red, watery eyes. "We will fix this, you will get your grace back and we will save Heaven. I can promise you that, even if I have to move Heaven, Earth, and Hell we will make this right, Metatron won't win." Her voice was strong and sincere, showing that her words were a solemn promise. She had never believed anything from the bottom of her heart, but she believed this.

She believed that she and Castiel were meant for each other. No matter how many loops and snares and knots the Fates threw at them, their love would persevere. It would outlast all. She pressed her forehead to his, staring deep into his eyes. That gorgeous ocean blue. He pulled back and she could see all the emotions flowing through his cerulean eyes; trust, love, despair, hope, and a broken soul starting to mend.

She wrapped her arms around him, and he buried his face in her shoulder, starting to cry. "It's okay, Cas. I gotcha, sh sh sh, it's okay I'm here." Y/N said, stroking his hair, trying to sooth him.

She closed her eyes and held him as he cried into the crook of her neck, not noticing Sam outside doorway looking torn as he saw his young sister trying to comfort the fallen angel. He hung his head and kept walking down the hall to his room.

Cas cried for a solid ten minutes, but the whole time Y/N just held him reassuringly while he rocked back and forth. Eventually his sobs turned to heavy breaths as he had cried out every tear in his body. He finally pulled back and cupped his soulmate's face, looking deep into her blue-grey eyes like he was searching her soul.

"Feel any better?" Y/N asked, running a hand through his dark hair.

"No, why would I feel better?" He looked confused.

Y/N smiled sadly, "Sometimes crying makes people feel better; I guess you didn't know that". He shook his head slightly. Y/N sighed and wiped away a stray tear with her thumb from his face.

"It just feels hopeless." He said with a destitute tone.

"Nothing is ever hopeless, Cas." Y/N said with tired eyes. He nodded slightly and his eyes started to droop. "You need to sleep, Cas. You'll feel better." Y/N slid off his lap and turned to leave, but gripped her hand.

"Stay with me?" He asked quietly. Y/N gave him a small smile and a nod.

"Let me go change, I'll be right back." Y/N squeezed his hand before walking back to her room. She stopped when she saw Sammy leaning in the doorway to his bedroom.

"How's he doing?" Sam asked, worry evident in his tired voice.

Y/N shook her head, "Not very good, but he's getting better slowly. We have to make this right, Sam, we have to." Her tone was desperate.

Sam pulled his baby sister into a hug. "We will. And if it makes you feel any better, you're half the reason he's doing as well as he is." Sam whispered.

---

"Cas, you need to get ready for bed." Y/N said, rubbing his shoulders.

He shrugged off his coat and she hung it up in his closet. He took off all his clothes but his undershirt and boxers and then climbed into bed where Y/N was waiting. She pulled the sheets around them and Cas buried his face in her neck. She put her chin on his head and started humming an old lullaby softly.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. So please don't take my sunshine away..."

"Thank you, Y/N, for everything." She heard him sigh softly. She pressed a kiss to his temple and his eyes fluttered shut and his breathing deepened. Satisfied that the angel was finally asleep, she to succumbed to slumber.