dear draco,

twenty-one

"You're so stupid," Draco mumbles. We reach the end of the stairs and take a left. "You shouldn't have come here, you're so stupid."

By the time we reach his room, I am very scared. He quietly shuts the door. His room is dark, like I thought it might be, but even bigger and fancier. A velvet chaise lounge and writing desk stand on the opposite side. A king-sized bed in the centre of the room faces a massive window, which would have filled the room with light, had it been daytime. Instead it reflects a starless, black night, filled with gloom and uncertainty.

"Dra-"

Before I can address him properly, Draco has spun me around and kissed me hard on the mouth. It has been long months since I last felt his touch, months I spent craving his sound and feel and smell, and it takes all of me to push him away. "I missed you," he repeats. He sounds like he might cry. "Oh Belly, I missed you so much."

"I miss you too, but-"

"Missed," he interrupts. "You missed me. The missing's over now, right?"

"Draco, what-" I slap his hands away and reluctantly walk over to sit on his bed. "You won't come near me until you tell me what's going on."

"I can't tell you," he says, ignoring my instructions and sitting down beside me. Suddenly, his face crumples. I am even more frightened. "I can't," he repeats. "If I tell you, you'll hate me, and I can't, I can't-"

"Shh." I take him into my arms and stroke his hair, wondering what could possibly be so bad. This is a side of Draco Malfoy I've never seen before, and it frightens me more than anything else I have seen tonight.

Long minutes pass by. "I didn't reply to any of your letters," he sniffs.

"Yes, I noticed."

"This year, I've been... busy... But not with school work. I... I've been fixing a vanishing cabinet."

"A vanishing cabinet?"

"It's... A kind of transport system. Not many people know about them."

"Okay," I say, struggling to understand how this could be so dreadful. Draco sits up, suddenly, and walks towards the window. I follow him. We are in the early hours of the morning by now, and in the minutes that I've been here, a sliver of sun has started to peak out over the edge of a horizon that runs smooth for miles. The land clearly doesn't belong to the Malfoys, as I can just about make out overgrown grass and wild flowers, all over the vacant fields.

But Draco isn't looking at the view. "I used to play there every day as a child," he says as I admire it. "While my parents were inside talking business, I would go out alone for hours on end. I still go out there, to escape everything. It's like a whole other world. So private, yet so free. Sometimes I wish all life could be like that." His eyes are on mine, unwavering, but is voice is gentle, sad. "The right of the house looks out over the garden and the left looks out over the woods. You know how you can think things, without really realising you even think them? I chose the left, but I never thought much of it. I only realise now that I've always liked the idea of being free." I can hear the waver in Draco's voice; can see the child in his broken eyes. His hand touches my cheek, but he doesn't seem to notice.

It takes all my effort to shrug it off. "Don't," I say quietly, avoiding his eyes. "Draco, you need to tell me what's going on. What happened tonight?"

Draco stares at the ground. "I don't think I can."

As gently as I can, I say, "Tell me about the vanishing cabinet."

He inhales, slowly. "There's one in the Room of Requirement. I found out about it last year."

"Okay," I say patiently. "And it's a kind of transport system, right?"

He nods slowly. "You put something in one, it comes out in another. It works with people too. You can get anyone into Hogwarts by using it. Even people who really aren't allowed to be there." He stares at the ground, his face stony, avoiding my eyes at all costs. "Belly, I've been using the Vanishing Cabinet to get Death Eaters into Hogwarts."

My heart begins to thud in my chest. "What?" He looks at me desperately, his eyes on mine, but I can't- "You were the one who- Why?"

"To- to-"

"Why, Draco?"

"To kill Dumbledore."

I freeze. This is why he looked so terrified at the bottom of the tower, this is why everyone urged me to go home, this is why I should have been far more scared than I actually was. "You-" I say breathlessly. I can't even look at him. "You let Death Eaters into Hogwarts to kill Dumbledore?"

Draco is silent for a long time, and it forces me to look up at him. Then he says, quietly; "No, Belly. I had to kill Dumbledore." I stumble backwards and Draco clutches at my jacket. "But I didn't," he says urgently. "I didn't kill him, Belly, Snape did, I-"

"Dumbledore's dead?" I say softly. He doesn't reply. "You wouldn't have done it, would you? You wouldn't have killed him, Draco, tell me you wouldn't-" Again, Draco doesn't reply. He watches me sorrowfully and a million thoughts swirl in my head. I step back again. "But why you?"

"Please don't hate me."

I stare at him. "Why you, Draco?"

"Be- Because I'm a Death Eater."

In that moment, everything hits me. I back away from him, tears welling up in my eyes. "They were right," I whisper. "My friends – everyone – they were all right, all along. You're dangerous. It's dangerous to be with you, to be here-" I stop in my tracks and look frantically around the room. I am shaking now, and as Draco steps closer to me, the walls seem to close in.

"Belly, please-"

"How do I get out?"

"I'll take you home Belly, please listen-"

"No!" I have backed into a corner now, as far away from him as I can get. "I don't want – you – don't touch me. I don't belong here, with you, I can't be here-"

Tears glisten in Draco's eyes. "Don't leave me-"

"I shouldn't be with you in the first place!" I yell, my voice breaking. This is wrong, so wrong. A Death Eater - the people who killed my father - "Not now, not ever, Draco – I – I should never have loved you!"

He freezes on the spot. I push away the pang in my heart when I remember I've never said the words out loud before. I've never told him I love him. "You don't mean that," Draco says, his face pale. "Belly, tell me you don't mean that-"

"That's why you didn't write back to me, I suppose?" I say angrily. I avert my eyes to the door, to the bed - anywhere but him. "Too busy being a Death Eater?"

"No," Draco interrupts, his tone bordering on offended. "I didn't want to get you in danger! I knew it was unsafe for you to be with me-"

"How gallant-"

"So I figured it would be easier if you hated me. I was meant to do it from September, but when I saw you on the train that day, I couldn't bring myself to ignore you. When- when your dad died and you left, it was easier-"

"That's great," I say. I feel broken. "So it was actually quite convenient for you, was it then? That my dad died."

"Belly, no," Draco steps forward and tries to take my hand but I wrench it back. "Belly, that's not what I meant, please-"

I can't stand this. I turn around so that I can't see him anymore. I don't want to look at him. "I have to leave", I say. "I think it's better for the both of us like this."