Forever Hold Your Peace

A Cup of Tea

As much as our world should be getting calmer and quieter as we get ready to have our baby, things feel as out of control as they've ever been.

Elliot and I were supposed to drive up to Jersey together two days ago to spend the week at the beach house after a very long couple weeks at work. We finally caught the serial rapist and Cragen sent the entire squad home for a week, no exceptions. And then a rape victim disappeared before she was supposed to testify in her trial.

Elliot told me to drive up by myself, enjoy some alone time. He promised he'd be in bed next to me when I woke up Saturday morning. And then he promised he'd make it in time to take me to dinner. Then it was Sunday for lunch. Now it's tonight, for dinner.

I'm not mad at him. For years I was on the other side of it. Kathy called me once a week, mad and exhausted from parenting four kids by herself. She never quite understood the way you can get swallowed by a case, by the victims, by the constant need. I could never be mad at him for that...

I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I listen to the waves crash. Sometime in the next month or two our girl is going to be born and things will feel so different. For a few months it will just be the three of us.

As I look down off the deck at the beach I can't help but smile. This place is so full of our love. I feel safe here, at home. The place we got married, the house where we spent our first night together, and then our first nights as husband and wife. Where we conceived our daughter.

The wind picks up a little bit and I go inside and light the fireplace. It drives Elliot crazy to have it on during the day but I can't get the house to stay warm without it. I settle into the couch with a case file and my laptop.

Rex sent the file to me last night and asked me to take a look and see if I notice anything he didn't. It seems like your garden variety stranger rapist to me.

I hear a key turn in the lock and I smile. He's not supposed to be here for a few more hours. I get up off the couch just in time to see Elliot's mom walking through the front door. She's holding a bunch of canvases and an easel.

She gasps when she looks up and sees me.

"Oh, Olivia!" She says happily, dropping her things to pull me into a hug. She pulls back quickly and gives me a funny look before looking down at my belly. She puts both her hands on the sides of my belly and looks up at me.

"He didn't-- Elliot, he didn't-- Is he here?" She asks quickly.

"No, no, not yet." I say, suddenly self conscious as she looks me up and down. I haven't seen her since the first time I met her, two years ago when Kathleen almost went to jail. "He should be on his way, he'll be here for dinner."

"I see..." She says, embarrassed, "Forgive me, Dear, it's been awhile since I've spoken with my boy."

Every time I try to talk to Elliot about his mom he shuts me down. The last time we talked about her was right after we found out I was pregnant and he still hadn't told her we were together or married.

"Can I get you something?" I ask, "I was going to make tea?"

"A cup of tea would be lovely, Dear." She says, pulling the scarf off of her head.

She follows me into the kitchen, setting all of her painting supplies against the door that leads out to the deck.

"I had a brilliant idea, it came to me this morning..." She says, her back turned to me as she looks out the double doors and out at the beach. "You see when the sun sets over the water, there are these beautiful pinks and purples. I haven't painted on the beach in years."