Everything Has Changed

Both Hands

*I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...

the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried

Tara isn't sure how long she's been sitting in the dark but at lest a few hours must have passed. The kids went to bed but not without a fuss, and Abel, who was now 11 and way more Jackson Tellers' son then she could ever imagine asking about the man at the garage.

"Mom, who was that guy?"

"What guy?" Tara questioned as she finished dinner. Abel sat at the table doing his homework.

"The guys at the garage the other day?"

She knew who he was referring to but didn't know how to answer. How do you tell your son that the man he is asking about is his father? She didn't hide anything from Abel, and hadn't hidden Jax from him. She made sure the kids knew their father, but all of the pictures she had of Jax and her were from years ago, and he looked very different now.

She looked behind her at the table to find a very curious Thomas looking up from his seat. Charlie as always is in her own little world. Not caring at all who the man was, only interested in the book she's reading, her long eyelashes moving with each blink.

"Mom... that was dad wasn't it?" He pushes her again and she turns to face him. Noticing that for the first time Charlie is looking up too.

She turns down the stove to let the hamburger helper simmer and sits down with the kids. "You're a very observant kids Abel. Yes that was your father." She watches as he looks on a little wearily. He has memories of Jax that aren't always about how happy he was to see him. She knows he doesn't understand what those memories mean but the pictures he use to draw of Jax always seemed to include a splash of red on his shoes or his shirt. To Able just a color but to Tara it was a harsh reminder of the violent time they found their love in.

While Able didn't know exactly what those splashes of hue meant he knew on some instinctual level that it wasn't good and was always a little reserved when it came to the topic of his father. Thomas however didn't have any tangible memories to hang on to and the thought of his father lit up his face. She could see even now that his brain was trying to bring up an image of the man he had probably not paid any attention to the other day.

Charlie on the hand looked mad. "You ok baby girl?" She questioned.

Slamming her book down the tiny hot head stormed from the room and slammed her bedroom door. Standing Tara sighed and turned off the burner completely and excused herself to go after her daughter.

Knocking as she opened the door she finds the dirty blonde sitting on the floor holding a picture of her and Chibs from her recent 6th birthday. Tara sits on the floor next to her and looks at the picture. "That's a good picture."

She's greeted with silence. "What's going on baby?"

With tears in her eyes she looks up at Tara, "I don't want Abel and Thomas to call that man daddy. I want them to call my dad, daddy."

Tara wants to cry so much right now. She's been through this with her youngest time and time again, but no matter how many times she tell Charlie that they all have the same daddy the little girl insists that the man in this picture, the man who has held her when she cried and kissed her boo boos is her daddy. In many ways she's not wrong, he has been the one that's been there for her, but that was only because Jax, her real daddy had been away.

If only he hadn't taken them all off the visitors list, if only he'd not left them behind when he was released. If only she hadn't come back to Charming. His daughter loved another man and Tara didn't know how to fix it all.

Sitting in the dark while the kids sleep isn't exactly helping, but it isn't hurting either. In the past week she's learned that Jax had been released early from prison, had been living in another state for the last 7 years, had a confrontation with him where he told her how SHE let HIM down, fought with Filip, and had to try and explain to her kids about Jax. Abel wanted to see him again although she was sure he would hide behind her most of the time, Thomas was so excited to see him that he cried when she explained it wouldn't be tonight and Charlie wanted nothing at all to do with anyone that wasn't Filip

I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

She notices the brief light from the street lamp illuminate the living room as Chibs comes home. It's late, and she suspects his arrival at this hour has less to do with work or club business and more to do with their fighting.

"Late night?" She questions.

Chibs jumps slightly at her voice, more from the amount of sadness he hears there then from fear. He hangs up his Kutte and locka away his gun before returned to the living room.

He notices how sad she looks sitting on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around her. "Mo Ghrá." He kisses her on the forehead and she leans into it. He sits on the ottoman in front of her. Putting his hand on her legs he says, "I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. You and the kids had just moved back here from Colorado. You were just settling in when he called. He was already in Oregon. I begged him to tell you but he said he loved you too much to disrupt whatever life you were making for you and the kids until he knew he could be who you wanted. I wanted to tell you."

"But you didn't Filip."

"I didn't, and I am sorry for that, but I'm not sorry for this." He gestures between the two of them. "This has made me happy and I hope it's made you happy too. I love you and the kids."

"But it's built on a lie. I thought that I had to move on, that Jax had locked me out. You know I wanted so badly to see him, especially after finding out I was pregnant with Charlie. That I tried again and again to send him letters asking to put me back on the visitation. I did it for years and you knew it. You knew he was out and you let me keep trying Filip." She saw the amount of pain this was causing him, and it was all so fucked she didn't know what to do or say.

"Jax came by today. You know he sat here and told me everything he'd been doing to make a better life for me, for his kids and then he told me how I let him down." Chibs looked into her sparking green eyes misty with tears. "I love another man, but not just any man. I love you. I do Filip, I do love you, but all of this... I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't know how to figure this all out."

He wants to beg her to stay, beg her to choose him, tell her that Jax left them all alone and he's the one whose been here every day loving them all, but he knows now is not the time.

"I love you Tara. I'm sorry for everything, but I do love you." He stands and she watches the glow of night lights as he heads in to kiss the kids goodnight.

in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get though
So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried

*Lyrics – Both Hands by Ani Difranco