Not Love, But Comfort

Part 8

I don't want to continue. I don't want to feel stuck either. Why am I shaking? Why am I so afraid...especially of myself? What do I do? Someone help me. Please. Today was your first day of the spring semester. So much had happened over the break that you didn't want it to end. You wanted to stay in the comfort of your room, and now that you were dorming again, you had to be extra careful of the secrets that might be revealed to Karen. You were exhausted from the emotions that you were constantly battling, and if it weren't for school or your family, you honestly don't know what else would motivate you to keep going...to keep living. I just feel so done. Why am I even going to school if I'm not succeeding in the way my mom wants me to be? In the way my society wants me to be? In the way that I want to be? Why should I even bother? I'll never be good enough for anyone. For anything.

You kept having thoughts like these nonstop. Every day, every night. Even in your dreams. You didn't know it, but you were slowly drifting apart from Hoseok and Karen. You were so caught up in your thoughts, emotions, and trying so hard not to fall deeper into the hole you were already in, you didn't notice that your first week was over. Finally, a break.

You had decided to sleep in because of all the exhaustion that you were feeling. All the stress. You stood in bed all day and didn't bother to text anyone, didn't bother to watch TV, you didn't bother to even get up and get anything to eat. You had no motivation whatsoever. You spent your first Friday sleeping in until 6 in the evening. Time was passing by at this point, and with Karen gone, you had nothing left to do. With how you were feeling, you thought it was nice to go for a walk...that was until an idea hit you. School was back in session, and that meant that you had access to the dance studios. With how you were feeling, this was a perfect opportunity to express your emotions without having to use any words. You threw on your sweats, a sports bra, a thin but oversized shirt, and put your hair up in a bun. You grabbed your iPod and made a mad dash for one of the studios...as if your life somehow depended on it. When you arrived, luckily one of the rooms was open. You didn't bother to turn on the lights, somehow dancing in the dark was going to make you feel better. It was as though you didn't want to see your emotions being poured out of you because once you danced, nothing held you back. You plugged in your iPod and played the setlist that matched your feelings. You made sure that the songs were energetic but contained a melancholic undertone or theme.

You danced your heart out. Your truth was coming out along with your many conflicting emotions. All of your spins, jumps, footwork and arm work reflected how you were feeling. Angry. Depressed. Nostalgic. Longing. Ignored. By the time you were done, your heart was hurting. It wasn't the lack of oxygen or the amount of cardio that you had just done, but because of your raw emotions. Tears were streaming down your face, and you couldn't stop. You couldn't stop dancing. You couldn't stop feeling so hurt. And you most definitely couldn't stop the tears that just seemed to flow endlessly. Not once did you feel tired nor did you stop for a break. It wasn't until in the midst of one your spins that slipped and fell. You felt defeated. Your heart ached and ached. It felt as though it were ready to be ripped out, and honestly, you were getting ready to rip it out of yourself at this point. You cried and cried. You lied down and hid your face in your arms. All you were capable of doing was crying.

The time you finally stopped crying, four hours had passed. You didn't realize that your playlist ended about an hour ago, and it was just you and your emotions in dark, solemn silence. You decided that you cried long enough, so you packed your things and headed back to the dorm. As you were walking down the hallway, you spotted a familiar silhouette from afar. Unconsciously you rolled your eyes, not knowing that deep down, you no longer wanted anything to do with Hoseok. Yes, he was nice. Yes, he provided some stress relief, but being around him was becoming tiring. He was too optimistic and too much energy. It made you feel sick and angry. Not at the fact that he was optimistic, god the whole world needs more positive people. But why was it fair that someone was so cheery, so happy, so positive about every little thing when you are here suffering, going down into a deep dark abyss. It was unfair. You're life was starting to feel like shit, and honestly, well, it was hard not wanting to feel like shit 24/7.

As you approached your door, he opened his mouth to speak.

"Hey, I haven't seen you all week. You ok?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine." you responded coldly.

"Your eyes are puffy."

"Are they? I haven't really checked in the mirror." Little did he know that you were crying for 4 hours straight.

"I don't mean to be bothering you but why do you feel so distant?"

"Hoseok, I'm not in the mood right now," you said blatantly. You unlocked your door, stepped into your dorm, and just as you were about to shut the door on Hoseok, he barged in.

"WHAT THE FUCK HOSEOK! I DIDN"T INVITE YOU!"

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on. You haven't told me anything since...well since winter break."

"It's nothing."

"Oh it's something."

"Hoseok, if I wanted to bother you with it, then I would have done so already." you said irritated.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you have no idea what I'm going through...NOW GO!" you yelled your last words, placed both your hands on his chest and began pushing him backward so he can walk out the open door he barged open. However, the shirt you decided to wear was, unfortunately, a short sleeve. As you were progressively getting worse, the cuts were starting to appear on your wrists and arms. You were excellent at hiding the ones on your arms, but the exhaustion and frustration got to you today, and well, we all have our slip ups. Hoseok looked down and noticed the cuts on your arms and wrists. He stopped dead in his tracks, causing you to bump into him. He grabbed your wrist and examined it carefully.

"Is...Is...this how you've been feeling?"

You tried to pull your arms away, but Hoseok only tightened his grips on you.

"Y/N..." he looked straight into your eyes, making you feel more vulnerable than ever. You looked away. Not only did his gaze make you feel uncomfortable, but you were mostly ashamed. How could I be so selfish? Why am I like this? You felt sorry that you lied to Hoseok about many things.

"Hoseok..." you cooed, hoping he wouldn't hear your next words. "I've been struggling for so long. I didn't want to bring you into any of this. You deserve better. Much better. You deserve someone who can love. Love themselves. Love you." For once, you looked directly into Hoseok's eyes.

Hoseok looked confused. But most of all, he looked hurt. "Y/N...I don't understand."

"I never loved you Hoseok. I liked you, I still do. But loving you is too much to ask of me. I'm barely capable of loving myself."

"I don't understand." Your words, your truth had left Hoseok disheveled.

"I'm not well. Hoseok, it's not fair what I did to you. You deserve someone better than me. I'm not at my best, and what's worse is I allowed you to fall for me when I wasn't at my best. That was wrong of me."

"No...no...NO! THIS ISN'T FAIR! IT"S NOT FAIR THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THIS! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME, BUT NOT THIS! I TRIED SO HARD...SO FUCKING HARD! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR SOMEONE TO POUR THEIR ABSOLUTE HEART ONLY FOR IT TO GET CRUSHED?! Y/N! WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!" Hoseok was on the verge of tears. You had never seen him like this. But the more you looked back on it, the more Hoseok was right. He did try. Every. Single. Moment. He tried to make you laugh. He tried to make you talk. He would comfort you when you needed it, and well, you couldn't say the same about yourself. Not once did you thank him for it. Nor did you appreciate it as much as you should have. You were too caught up in your emotions.

"Maybe...maybe it's best if you left me. I'm not saying this out of spite, but I think I should focus on myself rather than feel like I have to hide from you. I need to get to the root of this problem, and I can't do this if I'm worried about hurting you."

"Do what you need to do, but don't worry about hurting me. You've already done that bit." And he left without another word, slamming the door right behind him.