Journey Back From Anorexia

Dear doctors,

      You tried to make me better and you succeeded for a while, I am grateful for everything you did,trying hard to make me healthy again, even though you truly had no obligation to me but the white coat that ties us together. However, other than the medical interpretation of the pain I feel, the scrolling through pages and pages of textbooks and stating the  consequences I face there remains some pain and some consequences even your well trained minds will never understand, some demons you will never truly find.

   I felt alone, even though on the surface I appeared to have gotten better. The pain knew no bounds, pain that words will never succeed at explaining. I looked at all the drugs you gave me and i felt nothing short of an experiment, I suppose that is what happens when you become to weak and then trapped within these walls. I know though, that you all did your best, providing me with people to help me eat right and understand why I ended up the way I was, skeletal, broken and honestly a frame without a picture. I always felt however, like there will never be experts that can really get why so many people hurt themselves in this way, why so many people decide to go down this path. What is the purpose of embarking towards a path like this, Is it beauty?vanity?to look the way all the others seem to?, or is it to seek attention so people may finally see how much they are hurting?, or is it an even worse problem so deep you can not see the bottom. Whatever it is, whatever the generalisation has become I cannot speak for the multitude, I can only speak for myself which even then I fail to sometimes.

  I suppose I should conclude with why I started this letter at all. I truly feel thankful for everything you have done for me, the effort and time put into trying to make me better. Let us emphasise on trying. But now its time for me to go on this journey of self discovery and possible healing and how I can perhaps win the battle that so many fail to everyday.