Expiration || M.C

12 || How Things Change

Ashton

My hands are shaking as I turn the steering wheel of my car to go left toward the parking lot. What am I doing here? Do I deserve to be here? Is this even gonna help? I've never believed in this bullshit, why would I do that now?

As I'm thinking this I still get out of the car as I'm scared to fall with every step I take because my legs are shaking. I look around the parking lot, which is basically empty.

He's supposed to accept everyone, right? Love everyone, no matter what? Is he gonna know my mistakes?

With my thoughts burning in my head like fire I open the big wooden door and the sound echoes throughout the whole building as I step inside and I walk past all the benches and sit down on a bench towards the front.

I sit there for a moment. What am I doing here? I look around and see no one besides an old man in the back of the room with his eyes closed. I can't tell if he's sleeping.

I turn my head back and decide to close my eyes too. I rest my elbows on my knees and put my hands together.

I'm at a church. I'm here to pray. I'm going to pray.

I shake my head and think. I open my eyes as I hear something behind me and I see the man leaving. I turn back again and close my eyes.

"Dear God, Jesus, whoever," I start whispering as I press my eyes shut. "I've never been to church willingly, I've never been the best person, and I've never had much worth on this earth, but Michael needs life. He needs to bring happiness into other people's lives like he used to," I sigh deeply.

"He deserves to live. Michael isn't like me. Michael is a good person who does and says the right things and everyone deserves to know him. He did not deserve to feel this way, ever. He never did anything wrong, he always tried to be the best and do everything to please everyone," I can feel that I'm getting angry.

"Why? How could you do this to him? How could this happen? Is it my fault? Is this punishment for me? Because please just kill me, Michael was never intended to die. Was that it? A mistake? Are you gonna let him wake up?" I open my eyes and look up at the painted ceiling as I feel tears on my cheeks.

"What did he ever do to you? To anyone? Don't let him pay for my mistakes. This doesn't only affect me, you know. How could you let so many people suffer who have done so much good?" I start speaking louder.

"I'm trying. I'm trying to be like Michael. I'm trying to be a better person, I'm trying, alright? I want to help people, I'm going to help people with the exact problems Michael has. And you better make him wake up because he deserves to see so much more of this big earth. Please, don't let him pay for my mistakes." I bury my face in my hands.

There's a lump in my throat and I want to keep speaking but decide not to. I stand up.

"Fuck you, fuck this. It's bullshit. If you would exist, you would know not to do this to him! What the fuck did he ever do to you?" I slam the door of the church behind me and run back to my car. I sit there and start crying and rest my head on the steering wheel.

"I don't understand, I just don't understand, I can't understand." I say with shortness of breath from crying.

I jump when my phone starts ringing. I get it out of my backpack and look at the caller ID. It's Luke.

"Ashton, Michael, he just... You need to come. Now. Right now. You should be here now. Go." Luke says fast which causes my head to get confused.

"What? Luke, I-" He cuts me off.

"Just fucking go, Ashton! Hospital, now." He hangs up the phone and I throw it in the backseat and start driving.

-

After ten minutes I realize I can't think clearly. And that I have no idea where I am.

I know I'm not far, I recognize where I am but I don't. I can't think of the way home, to the hospital, to the gas station or a near McDonalds. I can't think logically and I stop on the side of the road.

"Fuck this!" I shout as I punch the steering wheel. I find my phone on the backseat and call Luke again.

"Ashton? Where the hell are you?" He asks. I can hear he is crying.

I bite the inside of my cheeks as tears start rolling down my face. "I don't know. I don't know. I'm lost, but I'm not. I don't know."

"Can you find a street sign near you? Look around you, Ashton. Focus." He says.

"I can't, I see things but it doesn't make any sense and-"

"Snap out of it, Ashton, now! This is more important. Just focus. Just think." He snaps at me.

I wipe my eyes and look around to find a street sign. "Marley road." I say, trying to figure out where I am.

"Okay, Ashton. You need to turn back now, alright? Then take a left and keep driving for a bit and take a right at the pharmacy. You're almost there, you're okay. Put me on speaker and start driving. Tell me what you see on the way." I do as Luke says and turn the car around.

I pass a forest, a bakery and a cinema. As I see the pharmacy I turn right and Luke tells me where to go next.

I turn again a few times and I can see the hospital. "I'm here. I'll be there in a few minutes, is Michael okay?" I ask, looking for a parking spot since it's pretty busy.

"We don't know. I don't know. They won't tell us anything. Just come here now. I'll meet you upstairs."

When I can't find a parking spot I park my car on the sidewalk. A ticket is the last thing on my list of worries.

I quickly check in and get the elevator upstairs. I'm too scared to look in the mirror, so I keep my eyes focused on the door. I immediately see Luke's face when the doors open on the third floor.

"Ashton, come with us." As I step out the elevator I see Spencer with bags under her eyes and her hair all messed up. She grabs my wrist and we start walking. I feel too tired and confused to say anything.

We walk past Michael's room down the hall to a waiting room where there's nobody besides a few nurses who I don't recognize, but they seem to recognize me. Then I see my parents.

"Ashton Clifford? Michael's brother?" A nurse asks me and my parents. I nod and walk towards them. "What's going on?" I ask trying to stay calm.

Mum grabs my hand. "They think he's gonna wake up." She says, grabbing my face and looking into my eyes. "Mikey's gonna be back." She cries. I blink, unable to think of words.

My dad is crying but looks happy. I can see he's scared, though. And I nod at him to let him know I understand. Because I am too.