fake [s.m]

chapter fifty-eight

chapter fifty-eight
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
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"no!" he suddenly bursts. "it's about the baby." oh. "oh god this is bad." he runs a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"shawn, it's fine, i don't know why you're making a big deal about it." i tell him, shrugging.

"it is a big deal!" he says loudly, making everyone else in the cafe look at us. "anya my fans are crazy, and are going insane, media and press and tabloids, oh my god what am i gonna say to them? paparazzi, and my friends and family! only my parents and aaliyah know about what happened, and brian, but what am i gonna tell everyone else? not all of my team know, and your family! anya this is bad."

"shawn, calm down, please." i say softly to him.

"i'm not gonna calm down! this is bad!" he shouts. "i'm 18! the tabloids are gonna make fun of me! i don't need that!" he takes his phone out, scrolling down his twitter feed. "and already fans are going crazy! what am i gonna say to them? i'm a bad example because i don't practice safe sex? god they know that i have a sex life!" he sighs, putting his head in his hands.

"you weren't the one who had to keep it a secret from the other parent for ages, and go through an entire miscarriage without you even knowing there's a fucking child in you!" i argue back, sighing.

"here's your food." the server hands us both our dishes, and the lemonade.

"can we just get this as a takeout?" shawn sighs, looking at me, whilst i shrug.

"sure sir, it will take a few minutes though." he says to us, taking the food back.

"thank you." i say, folding my arms at shawn.

"honey, i'm sorry." shawn mumbles softly to me. "it's just to my career and my reputation, it's at risk." he frowns.

"i get that, but everyone knows you shawn, no one will judge you." i remind him, taking his hand in mine and rubbing the back of it.

"god how could i say those things to you after you lost our baby?" shawn croaks out, looking down at the table.

"hey, you didn't know, it's fine." i reassure him, rubbing my thumb across the back of his hand. "it's fine honey."

"no it isn't!" he says, making me jump slightly. "i can't call my girlfriend that, i can't make her feel like that."

"shawn have you ever been in love before me?" i ask him softly, as he looks up, in wonder.

"i guess, it wasn't really full love, like ours, but there definitely was something." he mumbles, avoiding eye contact with me. "what about you?"

"same sort of thing." i mumble. "we're both new to this, and you can't expect us to be professional at relationships moving as fast as ours." i explain. "sometimes i think we are moving too fast, i can't keep up."

"i know, i get what you're saying." he sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"do you think if i-we didn't get drunk that night in london at the pool, we would be as we are now?" i ask him, thinking back to that night shawn took care of me.

"not really, no." he shakes his head. "i don't know if we would even be together, for real." i stay quiet for the rest of the time we are waiting for the takeout, and the short walk to my apartment.

"so we would be together, just for jobs sake?" i ask, unlocking my front door, letting shawn and i in, after a while of thinking.

"i suppose so." he shrugs, putting the food and drink on the kitchen counter, taking the dishes and forks out of the bag it came in. "but i don't regret that night, if that's what you're thinking."

"every night, i always think the same thing, and it visits me in my dreams too." i begin. "the thought of you not being my lover, it's weird." he smiles softly at me, a blush coating his cheeks. "when i found out about the baby, i just wanted you. but the day after we didn't really have any privacy, after that it was well, you know what happened, and i just couldn't bring myself to tell you."

"i don't really know what happened then. i don't know why i said all of that shit." he mumbles, taking a bite of his meal. "when you took me back, i knew i couldn't mess us up again, but i did, and i'm sorry for that." he sighs shakily. "and i'm sorry for everything else that happened after."

"back in the hamptons, when you left early," i pause myself, looking down at the granite table. "i cried, just sitting on the porch steps, thinking you would come back, and turn around, and ten everything would be okay again." i explain. "that didn't happen, and when it settled i realised something."

"what?" he asks, putting his fork down, and giving full attention to me.

"it's the way we work. both of us need that fire, it's almost like we are scared, constantly." he looks at me sympathetically, sighing.

"what is there to be scared of though?" he asks. "i don't understand why we are so scared."

"shawn, i'm not implying anything about breaking up, at all, i just want you to know that." he nods at me. "we need to fix this."

"do you trust me?" he suddenly asks, making me swallow my food, and look up to him. "be honest, anya."

"i do, i really do." i quickly say. "but i don't at the same time, it's like i'm torn in a battle between my feelings with you."

"do you love me?" he croaks softly, his eyes filling with tears.

"of course i love you." i stand up from my seat, rushing to the other side of the table where shawn is sitting, wrapping my arms around his neck, as he cries softly into my shoulder. "shawn, i love you so much, sometimes it hurts." i whisper, running my hand through his brown curls of hair. "nothing will ever stop me from loving you, you're so special to me, and you mean so much to me."

"don't let go of me." he whispers, letting out a shaky cry. "i feel safe in your arms."

"i'm not gonna let go of you." i mumble, pressing a kiss to his head, holding him closer to me. "do you remember the promise we made on the balcony?"

"that i'll chase you?" he removes his head from my neck, sniffling. i nod softly at him, cupping his cheek with one of my hands.

"will you still do that?" i whisper, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"yes." he murmurs softly, wrapping his arms around my waist securely, not wanting to let me go. "i will."

"i'm gonna make some tea, okay?" i whisper to him, running my thumb over his cheek, as he nods softly, a pure look of innocence running over his face, whilst i walk to the kettle, boiling up the water, and preparing two mugs of green tea.

i pour the water over the teabags, leaving them in the water, and taking both mugs over to shawn, where he's sitting on the couch now, flicking through the tv. i hand him his mug, holding onto mine whilst i nestle up to his side, his arm immediately going around me.

emotionally exhausted, shawn and i sit in silence, enjoying the peace, but still content with each other, embraced into each other's arms.

i'm worried about shawn.
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a short chapter bc i'm feeling lazy and wanting to update lmao