To Sink into the Deep

Hoping

CONTENT WARNING:MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

Maybe I should just stop hoping. I'm such a professional hope artist. I decide to hope for something and then I start planning for it, start celebrating the fulfillment of that hope and start feeling that hope with such intensity that I literally feel the pressure on my heart and mind.

And then it doesn't happen. And then I feel like a deflated balloon.

Yes, I am aware of the clichéd status of the phrase 'like a deflated balloon' but there's a reason why it began to be used in the first place:

1. Inflated ballons are full, deflated ones are not. In the same vein, pre- disappointment, I am full of hope; needless to say, afterwards, I am rather empty.

2  When full, a balloon is lively and gives fun and happiness. When I'm hopped up on hope, I am a  wonderful creature to be around. Afterwards, not so much.

Lotechi closed her diary and then her eyes. She finally understood why people killed themselves.

Looking out her window for what she decided was the last time, she heard excited yipping.

Lotechi turned her gaze to the direction of the sound. Her neighbours' little husky was making the sound, staring in her direction and wagging it's tail furiously.

She smiled and waved at it which just made the dog prance around in a circle.
As she laughed at its excitement, a thought occured to her: if this dog no longer saw her, it will never understand why.

Lotechi slowly withdrew from the window, closed it, and let the tears stream down.

===

In my country (Nigeria), a man recently parked his car on our nation's biggest bridge and jumped off of it.

The incident rattled me. I know he had a reason why, but I wondered what if he had a reason no to.

I just want to tell you all that no reason you can give yourself to not commit suicide is too small or insignificant.

Please.

You can always talk to me.

- KC