To Sink into the Deep

Float Or Swim

"Why do you treat me so weird?"

At the sound of Ebere's cracking voice, Onyinye looked up from her rice and beans. To her side, her best friend Ore snickered and said "Because you are weird."

The rest of the lunch table burst into deriding laughter and a tear streaked down Ebere's face and Onyinye felt a twinge in her stomach.

She got up and motioned for Ebere to
follow her.

On the way to the room behind the physics lab, Onyinye thought of how to respond to Ebere, something that'll combine the old, sort-of cooler her and the new somewhat more considerate her.

Ignoring the stale aroma of the room, Onyinye faced the sniffling Ebere, put her hands in her blazer pocket and said, "Ore is right; you are weird."

How considerate.

"So?" Ebere retorted. "Must you make me feel like poo?"

"Did I put a gun to your head and say 'Oya, feel like poo'?"

Ebere clenched her fists even harder and more tears fell from her eyes.

Onyinye, what did you say on Sunday?

Onyinye disliked that stupid sensible voice.

"I'm sorry."

"Shut up." It was like Ebere had slapped her.

"Ehm, excuse you?"

"Sorry doesn't mean anything, it doesn't do anything."

"It means that I, I regret hurting you."

"And what does sorry do?"

"Good grief, I am sorry. What do you want me to do? Kill chicken?"

Ebere snorted and then there was silence. Onyinye could have left; the old Onyinye would have left.

"You didn't answer my question."

The old Onyinye would have said, 'I did' and then walk out but new Onyinye stood and thought and thought for so long that the lunch over bell rang and she still stood there, thinking.

Just say the first thing that comes to your mind.

"I think it's because it's easier to be mean."

Ebere looked up.

"When you're mean, you aren't really thinking about the other person's feelings, you know the um, 'deep' stuff and you kind of just stay on the surface because it's better to float than to swim."

Onyinye wanted to slap herself for that last part.

Ebere started to laugh, "How cheesy."

"Yeah, for some reason my brain felt smart when it thought of that."

"I get it, in a way. A friend of mine once told me that he used to go to therapy and – "

"In Nigeria?"

"He used to live in the US. Wait, don't we have therapists?"

"I don't know."

"Anyways, I laughed when he told me. I think I didn't want to think of why he'd be going to therapy. I just wanted to," Ebere smirked, "float."

"See, you're not perfect."

"I never said I was."

And then the silence came back and Onyinye's stomach rumbled and she realised she hadn't eaten more than a couple of spoons. And probably, neither had Ebere. And Ebere didn't have friends that would sneak her sugar-encrusted doughnut during Government class.

"Do you want to know why I confronted you?"

"Without prompting, Ebere went on, "So I read Thirteen Reasons Why and I got a little angry with Hannah for not kind of, standing up a little more.
I'm not blaming her, and I totally really understood why she didn't, it could have gone really bad for her like for me. And then I realised that I didn't give two frigs about whether you'd laugh or taunt me."

"Um, okay. Maybe old me, like me before Sunday would have but there's this movie the church showed us and -"

"Wait, what?"

"What?"

"So, this movie was probably about bullying and it was so," Ebere waved her hands around, "'life-changing' and made you 'watch what you say' shebi?"

New Onyinye was lost for words.

"So some fake tears touched your stupid little heart and the ones that I've been shedding for the past three years did nothing?"

"I'm really sorry but like, I, I didn't cause that guy's tears, I didn't like um, like separate myself from them, I could feel – "

"And you couldn't feel mine?"

"It's the whole floating – "

"Shut up."

"I am so sorry. Bikonu, ndo. Mere'm ebere. Please forgive me."

Ebere looked at Onyinye up and down, somehow making her feel... less. And she breezed past, hitting Onyinye in the shoulder as she left.

Old Onyinye raged within her.

The audacity! Who does she think she is? I'm actually here, begging her and she's being stupid.

The anger rose in Onyinye, through her stomach, through her chest and she visualised throwing a retort stand at Ebere, watching her fall, watching her bleed and then the fury released her.

And frightened her.

So she bent down and asked God for help.

~~~ 

She didn't see Ebere throughout the rest of that day. Or the next day.

And panic came along when Ebere did not, and panic had a party with guilt when Onyinye checked with anyone and everyone about the missing Ebere.

She got zilch.

And on Thursday, when Ebere showed up, looking no worse, panic left Onyinye with such a speed that left her feeling like pooping.

===

Recently, someone I care about told me that I had made him feel so bad about the way he talked that he no longer asked or answered questions in class.

Horrible doesn't begin to describe how bad I felt. I thought I was just making a couple of funny jabs.

I never for once considered his feelings.

Now, I'm trying to do so with everyone I talk to. I think if everyone tried that, less people would get so badly hurt.

-KC