Captive - FourTris

Eight

JUNE 12
9 MONTHS, 13 DAYS

Today is graduation. I don't know how I made it this far. I don't know why they are giving me a diploma. But I'm proud, because I have done it. And I deserve it after this year.

He's out there somewhere. He's proud of me too.

But I still feel alone. I wonder if my mom knows the ceremony is today. I wonder what she would have said if I'd asked her to come.

She would have been surprised, but I bet she would have liked it.

My classmates surround me as I sit in this folding chair. They laugh and hug one another and talk about how much they will miss each other once they're gone. And all I can think is that I have been gone for a long time, but none of them miss me.

I know Christina is somewhere behind me, with the other R's and S's, and I can't stop wondering if she's looking at me. I can't stop wondering if she even cares who I am anymore. I want to turn around and look for her. I want to turn around and look at her.

But if she gives me the kind of look the rest of these people do, the look that says they forgot I even went here, it will kill me.

I don't look in Al's direction, either, though I can guess where he's sitting in the sea of other purple graduation caps and gowns. I haven't seen him since the street fair last week.

Since the disaster last week.

One of my classmates is standing at the microphone, blasting a pearly white smile at all of us. She's talking about the future and possibilities and how we can dream of anything we want and it will become ours.

That's not true. For some people, their destinies are decided when they are little. For some people, they don't get a chance at a future. They only get darkness and a stolen childhood. And it ruins everything, forever.

It goes on for hours, or so it seems. Name after name. Flashbulbs and cheers. I wonder if they all think this is a big deal. I wonder if they think this is some life-changing moment, if it actually means anything at all.

It doesn't. It's a piece of paper.

When my row stands, I almost stay where I am. I'm not one of them anymore. It feels wrong to follow them. I don't belong here.

When it's my turn, I walk to the podium and reach out to take the roll of paper. The principal nods toward the camera guy and he takes our picture.

I don't smile.

Just as I'm about to walk away, back to my seat, I see her.

My mum. She's staring at me with intense eyes. Her hair is spilling over her forehead, casting shadows on her face, but I know she's looking right at me. We lock eyes. She's here. I can't believe she's here. Watching me. Supporting me, like she once did from the stands at my track meets.

I freeze. I have not spoken to her in at least a month, and it was a short, awkward phone call. She hasn't tried calling since.

We are strangers. And yet she's here. That has to mean something. I have to mean something to her.

The principal nudges me into motion and the moment is broken, and I walk away, but I can still feel her eyes on me, following me.

Why is she here? Does she want to talk to me? Does she want to take me home, away from Tobias?

I want to get out of here. I don't want her to find me afterwards and try to convince me to leave him. I don't want to listen to that same conversation, over and over. I don't want to defend myself and defend him. It takes too much out of me. Even I know my words sound empty and stupid and that I'll never convince her.

She'll never understand him. She'll never understand us. I hate the voice she uses when she talks about him.

I can't hear it today.

I follow a stream of people back to my row but when they turn, I just keep walking.

People are staring at me. They are whispering. They want to know what I'm doing, but I don't say anything. They'd never understand if I told them anyway.

I just keep walking, past the last rows and to the back of the auditorium. When I push through the exit doors, the sun is so bright I have to shut my eyes. I stumble over the curb and land on my knees in the grass. Bile rises up before I know it and I puke in the grass, right next to the doors. Tears sting my eyes as my throat burns with it.

Tobias finds me. He always does. He pulls my hair away from my face and waits in silence for me to put myself back together.

He is so used to a world of pain that he always knows how to respond, always knows when to talk and when to stay silent.

"Let's get out of here," I say. I don't want the world to see me like this. I don't want them to know what I've been reduced to.
He helps me to my feet and we leave while the auditorium erupts in applause.
That is not reality. This is reality. This is my reality.

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A/N

I really hope you're paying attention to the dates at the beginning of each chapter because they are NOT in chronological order, and for a specific reason... :)