Captive - FourTris

Nineteen

APRIL 1
7 MONTHS, 2 DAYS

Today is his birthday, just two weeks after my own. He's nineteen.

His father has been gone for four days. We both hope he stays away. Everything takes on such a beautiful peace when he's gone. The tension leaves Tobias's body. He doesn't have to float around, constantly watching out for his mom. He can be himself.

It's just like those first few weeks after I met him, when Marcus and Evelyn were on one of their breaks. I hope it lasts longer this time. I hope it lasts forever.

Tobias is at work. The job is too new for him to take his birthday off, even though I know he wanted to.

I'm baking a cake with his mom, her first time hanging out at his apartment. She seems happier today. The wrinkles seem lighter. Her hair doesn't look so gray.

Finally, I know what it is to live in a world without Marcus. And I wish he would just fade away and disappear. None of us would miss him.

It feels weird to hang out with his mom. She likes me, I know that. She knows I am there for Tobias in a way she never could be, because I'm not forced to choose between him and Tobias. She's too busy bending over backward for Marcus, too busy walking that razor-thin line of keeping Marcus happy.

Tobias has always been alone. Even though she loves him, she could never protect him. Not when Tobias has to work so hard to protect her. Tobias doesn't judge her for it, but I think I do. I want to ask her, I want to know why she would keep Tobias around someone like Marcus, especially when he was little and helpless. I want to ask her why she couldn't just divorce him.

Why she ruined Tobias's life by not just leaving Marcus and finding somewhere else to be, someone else to be. I wonder who Tobias would be if she had done that. I wonder if life would be as easy as I imagine it could be if he weren't so scarred by it all.
She's assembling a big dish of tamales, his favourite, and I'm frosting the cake. There is music playing on the beat-up stereo mounted under the kitchen cabinets.

I feel as if there are so many things she wants to say to me. I think I can actually see her words hanging around us, like a big cloud, and I wait for them to rain down.

It feels weird. Uncomfortable but not. With my mom, there's judgment. I know she just wants what's best for me, but I hate that she thinks she knows what I need more than I know. She can't just say her opinion once. It's this nonstop battle with her, and she won't give up until I leave him.

And all it does is ensure that I avoid her. It's making things so much worse. And I wish she'd just see it and stop bringing him up all the time. Why can't she ask me about anything but him?

But not with Evelyn. With Evelyn, there's just quiet.

Tobias gets home from work just as dinner is finished. He's covered in sawdust but he smiles at us and gives me a kiss on his way to the shower. "Be out in twenty."

But she doesn't last that long. Marcus calls and she is gone, saying nothing to me as she glances back just before the door shuts. When Tobias leaves the bathroom he sees only me.

And he doesn't have to ask to know. He grabs a plate and smiles at me, but it's not the same smile as twenty minutes ago.

We each dish up too many tamales, more than we can eat, so the pan won't be filled with the ones Evelyn would have eaten. And then we sit across from each other at the table, but the only sounds are our forks and knives.
"I baked you a cake," I say.

"Thanks," he says, between bites.

I wish she was still here. I wish she hadn't ruined it. I wish, for one night, she had picked Tobias over Marcus.

But I know the repercussions of doing that and I know why she didn't.

When we're both full, I scrape our dishes into the trash. We didn't eat it all. There is too much left. The pan sits on the stove like a neon sign.

Tobias joins me in the living room, on the couch he bought at the Salvation Army. He has no TV yet.

I pull a small wrapped gift from under the couch and hand it to him.

"You didn't have to."

"Yes I did. Open it."

The box is tiny, wrapped with silver paper and invisible tape I'd carefully chosen. He rips it off and slides off the lid. A slip of paper is all the box contains, and he looks up at me, confused.

"It's a reservation. We're going sailing."

His eyes light up. I've done well.

"Oh, babe, thank you." He wraps his arms around me and I close my eyes, reveling in this moment.

His dad had a sailboat when he was a kid. It only lasted a year, but Tobias was hooked. He talks about it constantly.

I can't wait for it. A whole day, just me and him and the water. I hope that on that day, we will have peace. Just for a day, away from everything.

I wonder what would happen if we could just sail away and never come back.