The Chord to my Heart

1: Just Breathe

                                                                  1: Just Breathe                                   

          "Mom, I'm home," I called out, shutting the front door behind me. I shivered, my body getting used to the warmth of the house after being in the bitter cold. I slipped off my boots, heading towards the kitchen.

          "Mom, you in here?" I rounded the corner to find the kitchen empty. Weird,I thought. She was always baking when I came home from school. I sighed, opening the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water before heading upstairs.

          When my mother wasn't baking, she was crouched over her laptop writing corny romance novels. Her first novel was published but didn't get popular. Her latest two novels, though, made the New York Times Best Sellers list. She was finally getting the recognition she deserved. I constantly worried about her though. Ever since my so-called-father left us seven years ago, I'd often hear her crying herself to sleep.

          My hands were shaking with anger when I approached her room, thoughts of my father and his new family littering my mind. I took a deep breath and composed myself before opening the door. I peeked in and saw my mother in bed, her back to me. I was just about to leave when I noticed her laptop still turned on at her desk. I walked over, saved the open document, ready to shut it down when I saw my name typed in bold font, along with a string of words.

          Lyla, my love. My life. You're the best thing in my world. But the guilt suffocates me. I'm tired of trying to breathe. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. And be happy, for me. Please. Don't ever let sorrow touch those bright eyes. I love you..Mom.

          I read the lines twice over, trying to make sense of them. Then suddenly, I realized what her words meant, an almost audible click sounding in my mind. I rushed to her side, turning her body towards me.

          "Mom? Mom, please, wake up," I begged.

          I dialed for an ambulance, still gripping her hand, hoping it wasn't too late. It was then that I saw the empty bottle of sleeping pills sitting on her nightstand.

          I fought to keep the tears from filling my eyes. To keep reminding myself to breathe. The paramedics would be here soon and they would bring her back. She wouldn't leave me like this. She couldn't. Just then, the doorbell rang. I hesitated, watching my mother's face for a moment, before running to get the door.

          "She's upstairs," I told them, taking two steps at a time to hurry back to her side.

           The paramedics started working on her while asking me when I found her and how and why and so many questions that I almost forgot the reason for their interrogation. I kept repeating two words in my mind to keep from passing out. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

         They moved her from the bed to the stretcher, finally turning towards me. "Ma'am, we need to take her to the hospital right away. You can ride with her or drive yourself," the paramedic said. His words seemed distant, echoing in my mind. I nodded, following them out the door and into the back of the ambulance.

          I held my mother's hand while watching her face, still as lifeless as before. Her dark hair, the exact same shade as mine, falling onto the pale white sheets she slept on.

          The moment we got to the hospital they rushed her off, leaving me without a word. I sat in a chair just outside of the double doors they took her through. I ran a shaky hand through my hair, not knowing what to think or what to do or how to breathe or find the words to say. Not only was my mother dying, but she chose this. Was I supposed to hate her? For choosing to leave me?

          I felt a hand on my shoulder, jerking me out of my thoughts. There was a woman standing there in blue scrubs, a sad smile on her face. "I'm sorry if I startled you, honey, but I need you to fill out some paperwork. Are you over eighteen?" she asked.

          I shook my head. Did paperwork even matter right now? My hands trembled. I couldn't write.

          "Can I call a family member for you? Possibly your father?" she asked. I had no family. My mother was my family.

          "I don't have family," I whispered. I didn't have anybody. Not anymore.

          "Honey, we need to call someone. Maybe a family friend?" she asked. My mother didn't have close friends. My only option was my father. I internally cringed as I gave her his name and number. I buried my face in my hands; silently hoping my father wouldn't answer, or refuse to come. And my mother would be okay. So we could just go home and back to our normal lives.

          It could have been hours that I sat like that, my head in my hands, my mind racing. I didn't know what time it was, or why it was taking them so long to tell me how my mother was doing. All I knew was that the moment I heard his voice call my name, I wished I was anywhere else. Anywhere but that uncomfortable hospital chair.

          "How did this happen, Lyla? Are you okay?" He was kneeling in front of me now. And after avoiding him for years, his visits and phone calls, he ended up right in my face. My father, the last person I ever wanted to see.

         "Why would I be okay?" I whispered, keeping my eyes fixed on the shiny floor next to his feet.

            Before he could answer, the double doors opened, the doctor coming towards us. I stood, brushing past my father.

          "Is she okay? Please tell me it wasn't too late," I said, my eyes pleading.

          The doctor's eyes met mine and he sighed. He slightly shook his head before saying, "I'm sorry, ma'am. We did all that we could but her system shut down."

          "No. Please, Doctor. She's all that I have. You have to try something else. Anything else," I begged, not able to hold the tears back anymore. "Please," I whispered, again and again.

          My father spoke. And the doctor replied. But I couldn't hear past the beating drum in my chest. Couldn't see past the salty tears in my eyes. The doctor's words were sounding loud in my mind. Her system shut down. Her system shut down.

          My mother's pale, lifeless face flashed in my mind before my knees gave out. My mind went blank, and any desire to wake up again evaporated from my veins. She was gone. And I wished she'd taken me with her.

Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter of 'The Chord to my Heart' :) Please leave comments letting me know what you think! -Shahira