The cripple and the shieldmaiden

// 34 //

The ocean looked so calm and steady but she knew underneath the surface there was a whole other storm passing by. It looked at lot like her. Torhild showed calm and steady but in fact she was lost in her own body, torn between hate and sadness, guilt and regret. Past two weeks were heavy, she felt like she was trown from the one part to the other. But they had a lot of business to handle after she stabbed king Aethlewulf. Her mother and brother putted parts of the heathen army crossed over England, keeping peace where needed. Ubbe and Hvitserk pulled the settlement back on it's feet so they could live on like before. Torhild just gazed over the ocean from time to time, looking how the boats got filled with treasures of all kind. She laid down on her back in the sand, staring at the blue sky, hands resting on her stomach. Until that white horse showed up again and turned the blue from the sky in the bleu of his eyes. Torhild didn't move, she just let him get of his chariot until he sat right next to her. Torhild kept looking to the sky, not wanting to see the distant he put between the two of them. 'You're going home.' He said, like it was the first time he heared of it.
'And you are staying.' She replied, pushing her body up, wrapping her arms around her knees. After minuts of silence she looked aside to him. 'We had it worked out very differently a couple of weeks ago.' She whispered. He turned his head and looked at her, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't the Ivar she always had knew. It was like she looked to a stranger.
'Well,' he felt silcent and Torhild nodded slowly.
'You do this to yourself Ivar, I could handled you and you just wouldn't let me.'
'Your not safe with me.'
'That's my choice to make.' Her voice trembled a little. She stood up and turned around to him again. 'You broke my heart. Don't be reckless when I'm not around, I still care about you.' And she walked away. Not willing to hear his answer or words. She just walked away, saddened that this was a goodbye.

'We have a last meeting.' Ase announched. No answer. 'You still feel sick?' Ase asked from in the doorway. Torhild jumped up from the bed.
'I will get over it.' She smiled before walking aside her friend to the great hall.
'What do you think will happen if we are home again?' Ase asked. Torhild pulled her eyebrows up, surpriced.
'I thought you wanted to stay.'
'I'm not staying behind with Ivar. And I'm you're right hand so where you go I follow.' She smiled. Torhild stood still in the middle of the road and turned to her friend.
'I couldn't do this without you Ase, you know that right?' Ase nodded, looking to the ground for a moment, a little shy maybe. Torhild wrapped an arm around her friend and the rest of the way to the great hall they did in silence. When she stepped in the others where already there. She bowed before her mother and stood aside the other brothers. Ivar sat far enough so she didn't had to look at him, instead she had most of her eyes on her own brother and Hvitserk who stood aside her.
'It's our last meeting as a group, althrough I regret a couple of dessicions,' Lagertha began, looking at King Harald to start with. She never punished him for his try to take over Kattegat, must be an regret. 'we came out this stronger. But it's time for some of uss to go home, to find adventures somewhere else.' Lagertha looked aside to her son before she looked to Torhild who softly smiled. 'Halfdan will stay, Ivar will stay.' Her mother must be relieved about this, Ivar away from her daughter.The both of them nodded and Torhild felt a part of herself falling apart again.  She was over two years away to become a shieldmaiden, she left him then, now he was leaving her.
'I will visit uncle Rollo again, looking for new lands to raid.' Björn announched.
'I will come!' King Harald offered. She knew Ubbe would stay in Kattegat to pull out more defenses, he helped her mother and she was thankfull for that.
'Torhild,' Lagertha began. Torhild nodded, knowing what she would say. 'What Björn said a couple of weeks ago is true, to union the Heathen Army we have to bring the two families in power together.' She explained.
'I will marry.' Torhild nodded. And if Ubbe was already married and Ivar wouldn't turn back home there was only one son of Rangar left. But she didn't looked aside to Hvitserk, she saw flashes of pain passing by Ivar and she closed her eyes trying to get in power of her own feelings. But it didn't worked so she walked out. The fresh air maked her thoughts a little brighter.
'You don't have to marry me.' Torhild turned around to Hvitserk who walked from the steps before the great hall.
'It isn't that.' She forced a smile on her lips.
'Ivar?' He asked. He walked over to her, so close she could fell his breath on her face.
'It needs time.'
'I will love you in a way he never could. I won't hurt you, push you away, I'm not him.' He convinced her. Torhild brought her hand up and stroke his jawline.
'I know Hvitserk and I love you for that, but give me time to look how to do that again, loving somebody.' She explained while he wrapped his arms around her waist.
'All the time you need love.' He whispered. She looked in his eyes before she placed her lips on his, giving him a gentle uncertain kiss. He wanted so much more, she spotted it in his eyes but he hold back. He won this game. The jealousy between the brothers had always been heated and Hvitserk had won. He won over her body, he got his marriage but her heart ... her eyes lowered down to his chest. She rested her head against in, looking for the comfort he always could give. For as long she was here she always had to choose, she always would in the struggling. Staying and trying to safe Ivar from himself, despite the pain it would cost her or going home, marrying a man that never asked to much and loved her with all his heart. One day ... just one day and she would get on that boat, or maybe just stay. But everytime she looked to Ivar she asked herself if it was worth it. Past weeks were a torture for her and he putted her in it without improvement. She wasn't sure, she wasn't sure of anything, even marrying Hvitserk had his doubts. Small steps, first she had to get away from this place, getting things in order before she could move on. Her heart was still with Ivar for a part and she was terryfied to leave that part from herself behind. Afraid to leave him behind.

Staying or leaving, Ivar or Hvitserk ...
Next one will be the last, be sure of it, there are two questions unanswered and a whole Idea in my head for a part two to the "The Cripple and the Shieldmaiden" story.
At least ... if you want me to write a sequel on this. <3