Just Let Go

Marlee

   Did you know there are 90 calories in one lite vanilla yogurt? 

   Seems like a lot to me. In reality I'm sure it's not. I just can't seem to tell myself that. I bring exactly one yogurt to lunch everyday. My mom seems to think that's not enough, but to me it is. (P.S., who does she think she is?) It's enough to fill the small void in my stomach but not in my heart.  All I can hear in my mind is the voices telling me that those 90 calories are 90 to many. 

  So those 90 calories are expelled soon as I get off the bus and in my front door. My parents are never home so they don't have to worry about me. A stable job that brings in tons of money is much more important than their sick daughter. Even if they knew about my problem, I doubt they would do anything about it. They leave ten bucks for supper every night. Almost as if those ten bucks can somehow make them decent parents. I pocket the money and spend it on something more important than food. Some nights I get hungry. Then I step on the scale and see it flashing a sign that says "not good enough". My pockets are hungrier so the money goes straight there. So I go to bed and repeat the same 90 calorie cycle the next day. 

   I always read about those girls who binge and purge. I always hear the girls at school saying how unfortunate it is to be one of those girls. They don't know that's me. They'll never know either. Let me tell you, having the whole school find out you puke your guts out everyday isn't exactly something you want spread around. The pressure gets to be way too much.Keeping that secret is so hard. So I stuff my face with twinkies, chips, chocolate, candy, chicken nuggets, pizza, or anything my hands can get ahold of. It hurts so bad afterwards. However the pain keeps me sane. If I didn't have this pain in my life how would I even know that I exist?