band aids ↠ joshler ✔

e i g h t

1 year and 8 months until

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tyler was having an episode.

josh had gotten used to these, after all, he and tyler had been roommates for around six months now, but he still felt bad.

tyler was pacing back and forth in the small room, staring at his hands. every few minutes he would clutch his head, squeeze his eyes shut, or drop down on his knees in anguish.

the episodes usually lasted around a half hour or so, but josh couldn't even imagine what tyler was experiencing in those long minutes.

depersonalization was a bitch.

tyler told josh about it before, so even though josh never actually felt it, he had some idea.

tyler complained about chest pain, blurry vision, visual snow, nausea, and pins and needles, but those were only the physical symptoms.

what went on in tyler's head, what he was seeing, what he was feeling,,, josh had no idea.

however, he still comforted tyler, and tried his best to understand.

the depersonalization was always in the background of tyler's head, but a few times a week it would come out like this - in episodes - and all josh could do was watch.

tyler kept muttering to himself, his hands on both sides of his forehead, and every single word of his arrived with a stutter.

he dropped to his knees, then simply sat on the floor, his legs tucked under him. the episode had ended, just like that.

"i-it's l-like," tyler muttered, "i'm w-watching m-m-myself on film, i d-don't f-feel like m-myself,"

"i know, man," josh said, dropping down next to tyler, but still not touching him, "i know."

tyler stood up, his legs shaking. "i th-think i'm g-gonna take a n-n-ap,"

"that would be a good idea," josh replied, "but lunch is in like, five minutes."

tyler spun, falling backwards onto his bed, "great." he said sarcastically, covering his face with a pillow.

soon enough, like josh said, dewees appeared at the door, lines of patients behind him, and tyler and josh joined at the end.

their hands stayed parted.

-

"i heard they were serving mac and cheese today," brendon said, sitting down at the same table as tyler and josh, as per usual. "i hope it's not too bad, i'm hungry. are you hungry? i'm hungry."

josh nodded while tyler looked to the floor.

"you okay? you seem sad. well, more sad than usual. tyler's always pretty sad."

dallon nudged brendon, making him shut up.

"oh, sorry."

tyler didn't look up from the floor, "n-no, it's alr-r-right. j-just a b-bit out of it, is all." he said, trying to form a weak smile.

brendon crossed his fingers, placing his hands on the table. "yeah yeah. hey, what are your guy's favorite food?"

josh shrugged, while tyler muttered, "i d-dun-n-no."

"oh, come on, you have to like something, we have to make some conversation. being quiet is boring. are always a good choice. i love asian zing wings and i love beer. do you guys drink? oh, well, i guess josh doesn't, considering-"

dallon nudged brendon in the ribs, making him shut up before blurting out something he shouldn't.

"oh, sorry."

josh shook his head slightly, "it's fine, man. no sweat."

"it's f-funny," tyler spoke up, very, very quietly, "i th-think d-d-drinking was on-ne of the only th-things i d-didn't t-turn to after hear-r-ring the n-news."

josh worriedly raised an eyebrow, "what d'you mean?"

"you know h-how i f-fell into d-depression and stuff, r-right?"

josh nodded, while brendon and dallon listened.

"i t-tried to n-numb the p-paint a lot. n-never with alcohol, s-s-surprisingly, b-but you know, c-cigarettes, a b-bit of weed, and-"

"tyler," josh interrupted, "that's not okay."

tyler put up a hand, "it helped, th-though."

josh sighed, sitting back in his chair as guards pushed plates of mushy mac and cheese on their table.

brendon dug in, as usual, and tyler and dallon ate calmly, but josh had suddenly lost his appetite.

he suddenly felt more guilty than before. he couldn't stand the thought of tyler putting himself in harm, even if it was something as small as a cigarette. he didn't even let tyler finish listing, but he knew what the boy was going to say next, and it only made him more sick to his stomach.

the depression and depersonalization that made tyler check himself in, yes, josh knew it was most likely because of him, but he never felt 100% guilty. he mainly blamed that on himself, he never felt guilty for the other grieving families of the others he'd killed, so he called himself mainly emotionless.

but now, josh didn't even want to look at his food. he felt sick.

he pushed away the tray, then, hesitantly, reached down and took tyler's empty hand in his.

tyler looked up and smiled.