When The Heart Guides The Hand (Johnilyn)

Chapter 12

I woke up early the next morning. It was still dark out, but I couldn't go back to sleep. I opened the curtains so I could watch the sunrise before laying back down beside Brian.

"Why are you up?" I jumped ten feet into the air when Brian said that. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine. I uh, just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep. I've been awake for a few hours." He admitted as he rested his head on my chest.

"Why didn't you wake me up? I could've kept you company."

"I didn't wanna disturb you. Plus, you're cute when you're asleep." He smiled and leaned up to kiss me.

"So, why couldn't you sleep?"

"I had nightmares again." He muttered.

"Aww; my special powers didn't work." I pouted and he chuckled. "Would you mind me asking what these nightmares are about?"

"Well, most of the time they're about my neighbor. Like, war flashbacks, you know. I hate him so much for what he did to me. I hate him for making me scared of you touching me."

"I hate him too; you didn't deserve that. And I hate that you still have nightmares about it."

"That's not all they're about, though. Sometimes they're about my grandfather." His eyes were full of disgust when he brought up his grandfather.

"Your grandfather?"

"Oh yeah, I never told you about him." He sighed. "Back in Canton, I spent a lot of time at his house. In his basement, specifically. He had a train set in there, and when I was younger I liked to play with it and watch the trains go around. Little by little, I started to discover how sick he was. He had pictures of women doing things to animals, along with a bunch of porno magazines. I learned later on that he also wore women's underwear. I listened to him, uh, get off one time because I was snooping through his shït and he came down unexpectedly, so I hid and had to endure that pain of listening to my own fucking grandfather jack off."

"Oh my god, Brian. I'm so sorry."

"I hate to tell you all of this at once, but I need to get it off my chest." I noticed that he was tearing up, and I felt bad because I didn't know what to do. "After I told my mom about what my neighbor did, we moved houses. I had a friend who was older than me, and he would make me strip naked and-" He stopped and choked out a sob, "h-he touched me, and pleased himself to the sight of me, John. And I was helpless, so helpless. I still am. In these nightmares, I'm always stuck in that damn crawlspace, right back to where it all started. And sometimes, all three of those traumas combine into one big nightmare. That's what happened last night. And I'm so afraid that they're gonna come to life again."

"Oh Brian. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. Come here." He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck.

"But what scares me the most, is sometimes I'm afraid that you won't want me anymore. Because of everything I've been through, I never thought anyone would wanna be with me. And now that I have you, I'm so scared of losing you. I'm scared that one day you'll wanna go further and I won't, and you'll stop wanting me. And I want you to want me, because I want you, so badly."

"Oh baby, I'm always gonna want you. Even if there's a time when we're not together, I'll still want you. You're important to me Brian, and there's alway gonna be a part of me that needs you."

He lifted his head up and looked at me through tear stained eyes. I wanted to take his pain away, take away everything that had ever hurt him. I wiped away a stray tear from his face as I connected our lips.