Restart - An Original Novella

Chapter 6 {Remedy} Part 1

April

I am going to die.

I can feel it in my weak bones that refuse to move at my will. In the muscles that won't move, won't pick up anything more than five pounds. In the fact that I can't even stand up — sit up — without a nurse slinging her arm over my shoulders to steady me. I hate being bedridden. I need to move. I always move, because of my hyperactivity. But I can't get out of this bed, no matter how much I want to, no matter how hard I try.

I'm definitely not the worst off, though.

I can't believe Stephanie's family is dead.

Scott, her father, who always had something intelligent to say. He had so many stories. He had such light in his eyes when he saw me, like I was the son he never had. So good at conversation too. He should have been a professor. I'm sure any student would listen to what he had to say if he was lecturing them, just by the eager tone of his voice, engaging me in each word like a hook.

Bernicia, her mother, who was so eager to please. So hardworking, never sitting down to talk. Instead, she would be bustling around giving me snacks, smiling in that shy way of hers. She'd always ask if I needed anything. And I didn't see her once settle down to take care of herself. But she cared for her children and I so well.

And Maria. The firecracker sister. She loved talking, but she was a perfect listener too. She had such compassion and empathy. And the best jokes in the world. She brightened my day, all the time. She had a huge smile, lighting up the room.

It's difficult to refer to them all in past tense.

I'm glad I will be joining them in the near future.

It's too hard to live. I thought of the period after the crash as "the Trial" or "the Test." There was something to live for. A reason to push on. Anything.

I heard of the news of her family and that was when I gave up. I was ready to hear that she was dead, and I was eager to see them all again, the Hawthornes, my honorary family.

I believe there is a place people go when they die. It isn't necessarily a heaven. If there is a heaven, that would be nice. I'll find out soon.

But Stephanie didn't die. She is still alive. And from the updates I am receiving from the nurses taking care of me, she is getting better and better with each passing day.

And my grief, and the refusal to move on, flips around. It turns into something I haven't felt in the longest while...

...hope.

There is a reason to live. There is a purpose.

And that purpose is Stephanie.

I miss her so much I could swear this is withdrawal, like I'm being deprived of a therapeutic drug. I can't even think about her without being overcome, overwhelmed with this longing from not being able to see or touch her.

I need her. I need a sign, a message, anything from her.

In the darkest days, I think the nurses are lying to me. That she really is dead, and they're keeping this tiny flame of hope inside of me so that when they finally tell me the truth, the shock will blow it out and kill me.

I wait for this time to come. It doesn't.

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Wednesday, April 20th

I am lying in bed, sapped of strength. Yeah, I don't feel like seeing anyone. The nurses don't know that, though. Allison, the one with the blond-brown hair and sharp gray eyes, enters the room. I close my eyes. I really don't want to talk to her. She's smart; she can tell when I'm this way.