REAPING INNOCENCE ◦ STILINSKI [3]

LETTERS TO CARTER

SCOTT'S LETTER TO:
❝ A LOST LOVE ❞

❝Carter,

I remember the day of your funeral like it was yesterday. The day was gloomy. The clouds had clouded up the day, leaving the feel to be dragged and cold. The air had a chill to it. I remembered your closed casket—it appeared as though it had been nailed shut—but I saw you four days prior in the morgue. Your eyes were shut, your beautiful brown hair laid perfectly straight on your shoulders. Your skin was deathly pale. So pale compared to your normal tan. You looked so lifeless. You looked gone.

After Derek punched me a few times, I remember touching your hand. It was cold and unfamiliar compared to your naturally warmed skin. I felt more salty tears roll down my cheeks. I felt the sinking feeling in my stomach. I felt my heart physically hurting in my chest. A few tears make their way into my mouth; tasted the saltiness of fresh tears.

I stood there, in front of the casket, in silence. The sound was muffled and I couldn't hear the sobs of your brother. I couldn't hear the sighing of people behind me. I couldn't hear some of the students patting other's backs. I could only hear my heart beating in my chest. Mine. Not yours. I tried so hard to hone in on the unique sound of your fluttering heartbeat. But it wasn't there and everyone knew it.

I remember not wanting to cry—having done my fair share in the hospital waiting room—because I knew that the others needed me to be strong. But I knew that Derek was right. I promised to keep you safe and I failed. I should have done something to stop you from dying. I'm guilty. Your death is on my conscience. I remember sinking down to my knees and just letting the tears flow because it was too hard to stop them and I wasn't strong enough to.

You're dead and I can't do anything about it.

And you've been dead for over four months now.

I can't say it has been easy learning to live without you. Heading into month five, I can say I have started to make real progress. I can talk about your death without crying. I can look people in the eye and tell them how you died. And now I finally feel like I can be honest with you. Okay, not with you per se, but I can be honest with myself about you.

I've come to terms with the fact that I will never see you again. It was incredibly difficult to reconcile my desire to see you again. I used to look for you everywhere, hoping that you were watching over me and sending me signs. But I don't need you to linger anymore. I am finally at ease with your passing.

I admit that I get scared when I think about you sometimes. I get scared because I'm slowly forgetting what your face looked like. I can't remember what your laugh sounds like, or even what your voice sounds like sometimes. Day after day, I tried to train my brain to remember all of those things about you, but it seems that they have their own way of fading.

I wonder why you were the one who was chosen. It made me realize at any moment that it can be any of us, at any time. We should value life the way you did. We should live as freely as the way you did. We should appreciate it as you would. Yet all of us find ourselves complaining about minuscule things day in and day out. And you're up there watching us bitch. Sometimes I wonder if you silently scream at our stupidity because of the things we have yet to learn, that you already have.

Maybe you knew something the rest of us didn't know and with that, you learned enough in your life to leave. I can try to come up with these things trying to justify it, but then I think about the little things you'll never experience. I think about the graduation you'll never have. I think of the wedding day you swore wouldn't come. Just the fact we'll never see you again on earth breaks my fucking heart. It's not fair at all.

While we all seem to be going about our lives, there are still moments it kind of hits me you aren't a part of it physically anymore. I think about you every day as I see your picture on my dresser. I think about you more now. The words "anniversary of your death" just sound haunting as they creep off my tongue.

Sometimes I wonder what you'd be doing if you were still here. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be as close? If friendships on earth have taught me anything, it's like people have this ability to choose if they want to stay in your life or not. You didn't make that choice. So whether you like it or not you're stuck with me.

I'm still trying to understand why you were taken from us so young. It breaks my heart because that night plays on replay in my head. The images Hollywood once brought to life on the big screen became reality.

This monologue of conversation I have, makes me wish I could hear your voice in something more than a memory.

I'll hold onto the pictures tight and remember you that way. Is it nice that everyone gets to remember you young and beautiful? As for the rest of us, we'll be remembered with fake teeth, and warts growing all over our body with a walker. Billy Joel wasn't kidding when he said only the good die young.

But I know you're with me. You're with me on the worst day of my life, giving me strength to wipe the tears that run down my face. You're with me on my best day as I send a quiet thank you for your blessings.

Even though I can't see you, I know you're walking with me on this journey we call life. I can feel you with me when our song plays. I can feel you with me when the wind blows on a beautiful day. I can feel you with me when I'm in the presence of the people we love.

While it's a tragedy to have lost you, I'm grateful for the time I did have.

Even in someone's absence they can continue to teach you things about living and that's the beauty of it, really.

Selfishly, one of the worst realizations is that you are only one of the big losses I will face in my life. It's not just our grandparents who look older these days: our parents no longer seem as invincible as they once did. I've also realized that you and Allison and Aiden (even Erica and Boyd) might not be the only friends who die young or unexpectedly. And as cliché as it sounds, I've lost my sense of adolescent immortality. I know it could just as easily be me.

While it is frightening to think of what comes next, somehow, in your own way, you've prepared me for it. I think it would make you happy to know that your friendship keeps making me a better, stronger person. You showed me that I can function in the face of tragedy. You taught me the vocabulary of grief so I can comfort others when they need it. I never would have asked for it to be this way, but if this is what I can take from it, I will.

You are the beat of my heart, the soul in my body; you are me, because without you I am nothing. I love you, Caterina. You were my girlfriend and my best friend. You are the person I know I could turn to when I needed help—you are the person I looked to when I needed to smile and you are the person I went to when I needed a hug. When we were apart, it was like I had left my soul at your side.

You have shown me how to live and you shown me how to be truly happy. I want you to know that every time I smile, you have put it there. You make me smile when others can't, you make me feel warm when I am cold. You are my whole world and I love you with all my heart. You are my happiness.

I can't see you but I can feel you with me. I can't hear you but I listen for the signs the universe sends me of your presence. You continue to give me more than I'll ever be able to reciprocate. And with that, I say I look forward to the day we meet again my sweetest angel.

So, dearest friend, that's all I have to share for now. I'll raise a glass for your eighteenth birthday this summer, and, as always, I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Always and Forever,
—Scott❞