Til Death Do Us Part (1)

~ 19 ~

I awoke the next day, feeling even emptier than I had done the day before. I had been through depression before, but never this severe. I was a completely different person, but that's the effect depression has, I suppose.

Instead of the happy, sweet, and innocent Sal you see on the show, I was a mess. I hadn't showered in days, my hair was a mess, my beard scraggly and unkept. I just didn't have the energy to do anything. I had remained in bed, staring mindlessly at the ceiling - much like before, but this was different.

I had no motivation to do anything, not to even move from my bed. I wasn't myself, I knew that, and yet, I felt no obligation to change. I didn't feel it was worth it, I felt as though I was a waste of space, no good for anyone.

The demons inside of my head, they continued to play mind games with me. Warping my brain, so that I fell for their horrific tricks. I began to turn on myself, hating every single thing I did; the way I looked, the way I handled things, even the way I fucking breathed. I had pure hatred for myself, all caused by the demons taking control of my brain, zapping every ounce of motivation out of me.

I was no good to anyone, especially Brian. He didn't deserve the way I treated him, I was stupid to lose him twice, why should I be granted a third chance? Hell, why would Brian even give me this many chances in the first place?

I decided to turn my phone back on, seeing what the outside world had in store for me today. Even the layout of my phone depressed me. As my background, I had a photo of Brian and I, after we first got together. It broke my heart, to see how happy I had been just a mere few days ago, and now look at me - a complete mess is what I am.

A message notification from Brian popped up, just as my phone had booted up. He had sent it a minute after I had finally replied to him. I guess he really did care for me.

B: Baby you're not useless! Not to me! I love you from my head to my toes, from the bottom of my heart, to the heart of my butt. I adore you, everything about you drives me insane. Even though it had only been a day, you rocked my world, Baby.

B: I know it hurts, trust me, I've been there, but mistakes are made. They can't be helped, that's why they're mistakes, Sal. We'll overcome this, just like we have done in the past. Don't you dare give up on us now, not when the fun had only just begun.

I placed my phone back onto the bedside table, clutching my pillow tightly. I broke down, the tears beginning to stream down my already stained cheeks.

Why was Brian still fighting for me? I'm not worth the time, I'm just a waste of space. I'm not worth anything. He's got it all wrong. Mistakes were made because I was a dick, and didn't think things through. I don't deserve another chance, not this time around. I'd already damaged so much.

I had somehow managed to cry myself to sleep, yet again. I awoke a couple of hours later, noticing that my phone was blinking obsessively. I reached for my phone, reading through the messages - all eight of them being from Brian.

B: I love you.

B: Stay strong, Sal. We'll get through this together, I promise you.

B: Please respond to me, even if it's just an emoji. I need to know that you're okay.

B: Sal??

B: Sally Retro, I love you so much. I need to know that you're safe.

B: You don't have to even reply to me, whether it be Joe or Murr, just so I know that you haven't done something harmful to yourself.

B: I know what depression feels like, Sal. Please don't let the demons win.

B: We're in this together, forever and always, Baby.

I couldn't take this anymore. The demons, they were winning. I was too weak to fight back, it was time for me to end things.