three hundred and sixty five ; yuzusho

day two hundred and forty five

i'm pretty sure this book has the record (in terms of chapters) for the longest fs fic on the internet lmao

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day two hundred and forty five

dear shoma,

i decided that it would be better to write this letter sober.  that's not to say, i'm not going to go to the hill (not a bar this time) and get hammered afterwards, but i know i need to be fully aware of what's going on as i write this letter.

it was deja vu.

again.

guess what?

javi came down the stairs as i'm sitting in the kitchen, reading.

"yuzu.  we need to talk." 

i didn't want to reply.  because, just like before, i knew whatever it was going to be wasn't going to be good.

"yuzu." 

"yuzu?" 

"yuzu, listen." 

"yuzuru hanyu, listen to me!" 

finally, i slammed my book shut, unable to take his exclamations any longer.

"what?" 

javi sat down opposite me.

"i was wrong."

"wrong about what?"

"i should have never have taken you to have a drink the first time."

suddenly, i'm jolted by the weight of flashback.

javi mumbling aloud about how it's all his fault that's i'm like this.

"javi..." i began, but he cut me off.

"no, yuzu.  listen to me.  you're slowly killing yourself from the inside out.  if you died from alcohol poisoning, or contracted a disease from one of those guys you slept with and died from that, i would never forgive myself.  because me taking you out for that drink the first time caused a spiral of decline.  you're only getting worse, yuzu.  and i want you to get better." 

i was astounded.  dumbstruck.  shocked to silence.

i couldn't speak, so i was left there floundering.

"imagine if shoma came back to find you dead." 

the mention of you killed me again.

i broke down.

"javi, i know it's shit for me.  but it helps me cope, and that's got to be worth something, right?  it's typical that i didn't love him for a while when you told me i should, and then started loving him again when i realised i shouldn't.  i know his family hates me.  but this is the real reason that i go out drinking now, so don't blame yourself.  the reason is; in my drunken state, i see him in the eyes of every guy i sleep with.  it makes me think that he's here, and he's real.  that's why i write the letters as well.  it makes me remember he's somewhere out there.   but the thing is..." i trail off, unable to say the last few words.

"what?"

my voice is barely a whisper, but i know javi heard it.

"i know shoma hates me."

i love you.

i'm sorry.

- yuzuru