Choices

Chapter 3

When Jay came out he expected to find her still on the couch. When she wasn't he got worried. He was still debating on whether to say anything or let her tell him on her own. It would be hard to forget for sure, but he also wanted to trust that she would tell him.

He looked in the kitchen to see if she'd started eating, but he didn't find her there. He finally checked the second bedroom, and found her in the floor.

"Erin," he said not wanting to startle her. When he didn't get an answer, he gently shook her shoulder. When she still didn't answer he tried not to panic.

He carefully scooped her up and laid her on the bed. "Erin, come on open those eyes," he coaxed rubbing her cheek.

He got a slight whimper which gave him slight relief. He kept trying until her hazel eyes slowly met his.

"What happened?" he asked quietly keeping her laying still.

"I…. I dunno," she said.

"Why were you in here Erin?"

She bit her lip and broke eye contact. "I couldn't face you," she whispered feeling like she was going to cry for the third time that night. She hated these emotions already.

"Erin I'm your partner and I'd like to think we were friends again. You don't have to hide from me."

"I know you saw it. I know what you wanted. I didn't wanna see the hurt in your eyes again," she said rolling away from him. "I've hurt you enough Jay. You should just go," she said.

Jay let out a soft sigh. "Haven't you figured out you can't push me away that easily? Haven't you figured out that no matter what I'm always going to be here for you? I know you don't want to hear it, but I love you Erin and nothing can change that."

"You deserve better Jay. You don't deserve some junkie who can barely keep it together, who managed to end up pregnant when she can barely remember it. You deserve better. You deserve someone who's gonna give you the family you want and deserve."

"Well I'm glad you suddenly think you know what I deserve," he said rolling her to face him. "Because I think you deserve better too. You were dealt a shitty hand in life Erin, but you overcame it and made something of yourself. You slipped, big deal. This baby doesn't change anything for me. You're still Erin to me and this is your baby. All I've ever wanted is you. That hasn't changed and never will."

Erin felt a few tears fall listening to him. She definitely didn't deserve this kind loving man but she didn't know how to make him see that.

"You need to eat and get an appointment with a doctor. I'll even go with you so you're not alone."

"Jay no. You don't have to do this. This isn't your problem."

"Damn it Erin you're not a problem. Your my partner who needs someone right now! You don't have to do everything alone! Yes I love you with my whole heart but I know you're not ready, so I'll wait. The baby doesn't change anything!" he said again trying to get his point across.

He took a deep breath and got up to pace. "I'm not perfect Erin and I don't even deserve you no matter what you think. When I came back from overseas, I was a wreck. Much like you were a few months ago. I didn't handle it well, and even now I still don't. I've been in your shoes so whatever pedestal you've put me on because you think I deserve better just take me off because I don't. If I told you everything I'd done, you wouldn't even want to be with me. But I love you and I'll wait for you, however long it takes. You don't have to do this alone."

Erin was quiet letting his words sink in. He'd been in her shoes; he just opened up about his past she'd never known about. He was letting her in so she'd do the same. Maybe he was right, maybe she didn't have to do this alone. But could she really put him through helping her with another man's baby.

"Let's go eat," he said when she stayed quiet. If nothing else he was going to take care of her tonight.

He managed to get her to eat a bowl of soup and a grilled cheese. It was the most she'd had in a couple of days and he prayed it'd stay down. After cleaning up he tucked her into bed. "Get some sleep and call the doctor in the morning."

Erin just barely nodded her body already giving into the exhaustion. Jay watched her fall asleep before quietly leaving and locking up behind himself.

He hoped he'd gotten through to her. He didn't want her doing this alone when she didn't have too. While he always imagined them as a family with their own kids, he knew he wouldn't not love this baby. It was a part of Erin and for that he already loved it. Besides if he needed advice on what it was like he could always ask his brother. Will seemed to be faring pretty well taking care of Natalie while they waited on her baby to be born so it couldn't be that hard. He headed home hoping Erin would rest and make an appointment.

/

The next morning she showed up to work as usual. While she was a little quieter than normal she carried on as if nothing was different. Jay was dying to ask how she was and if she'd made an appointment, but ultimately decided she needed to come to him. He'd laid it all out there so now it was up to her.

Luckily it wasn't a busy day, but that also meant no alone time for them to talk. He just wanted to know what was going on inside her head. He finally sent her a text asking if she was ok and her only reply was to nod at him across the bullpen.

Jay barely held in his sigh and when Voight finally sent him home, Jay got his stuff and headed out. If she wanted to talk she knew where he'd be. Once home he opened a beer and settled on the couch to watch the game from last night. He kept hoping she'd come by, but she never did.

/

After work, Erin had gone by Med for an appointment with an OBGYN. She'd confirmed Erin's pregnancy and did an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok with the baby. Once she got the all clear the doctor advised her not too work much more past three months in the field.

Erin was not looking forward to having to tell Hank much less ride the desk for the next while so she decided to keep it to herself as long as possible.

She wanted so bad to pick up the phone and talk to Jay about the appointment but she also knew she shouldn't. She really needed to let him go so he could find someone worthy of his love and that would give him the family he deserved.

She got home and curled up on the couch. She never imagined she'd be a mother much less a single mother. She was scared if she was being honest. She didn't think she'd be much better than Bunny and this baby deserved better. She debated her options all night wishing she had Jay there to talk it over with her.

She made an appointment for the next morning and sent Hank a text telling him she was taking a personal day. She knew Jay would worry when she didn't show up for work, but she knew she needed to do this. She wasn't meant to be a single mother.