I Can Wish

Him

You never know when sadness is going to strike.
For the first time in a long time, I was happy.
Actually genuinely happy.
But it all came crashing down.
I know it's been a while since I last wrote.
I'm really sorry about that.
But there hasn't really been much to write about.
But today there is.
A few months ago he and his ex broke up.
I was there for him because I knew he needed someone.
He pushed me away and we didn't talk.
We talk again now and we're friends again.
I'm happy about that.
It turns out his ex still likes him.
And I'm getting worried.
Because I have this feeling that he still likes her too.
And I'm scared.
Scared that if he goes back to her, she isn't going to treat him right.
Scared that it will all go back to the way that it used to be.
I've come so far from when all of this first started.
I found happiness.
It may not have lasted for a long time.
But it was there.
And people may be mad or confused when I say this.
But my happiness came from him.
Just him as a person.
His kind heart and gentle smile.
That damn smile that is enough to fill me with joy on even my worst days.
Just his presence makes me feel a little safer.
And I know that it's stupid.
I know that I shouldn't still be feeling this way. After all, I've had feelings for this boy for over three years now.
You'd think my heart would have given up.
But no.
It hasn't.
It's holding on to everything.
He started hanging out with one of his friends more.
He changed since he started hanging out with this guy.
He became, how do I say this?
The opposite of who he used to be.
But I know.
I know.
This isn't him.
And I overlook his actions because I know that this isn't who he truly is.
This isn't the boy I fell in love with.
I know that he's in there somewhere.
What I don't understand is why he's hiding.
After all, he doesn't really have a reason to hide.
Maybe all of this is stupid.
Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion.
Or jumping to conclusions.
Things have changed for him.
Things have changed for me.
But I don't like the way that they changed.
I just want everything to go back to normal.
When it was just me and him.
Him and me.
Us.
Together.
I just miss him so much.
Not just the love he gave me.
Or the attention.
Or the cute little surprises.
But him as a person.
I miss the way he used to rub the left side of my head when he hugged me.
I miss how he used to fall asleep on the phone because it was so late.
I miss how he would walk me home and hold me when it got cold.
I miss how we used to just sit around and play video games.
I miss how we used to go for walks late at night just because we needed someone to talk to.
I miss how he, for the first time in my life, made me feel beautiful.
I miss how he used to let me count the freckles on his arms.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his hugs.
I miss his kisses.
I miss his stupid jokes.
I miss him.
Who am I kidding?
Myself obviously.
There's no way that he would ever miss any of that.
But I can wish.