Secondhand Smoke [m.h]

Part Seven.

That night was the only time we kissed in days, it was probably an "in-the-moment" thing.
I tried to push it out of my mind.
It was dark outside and Matty was asleep beside me. I was awake and playing their band's music in my earbuds.
The song that I've become very familiar with and enjoy very much is "Menswear".
There's a lyric that says "Why don't you talk to Matty about it?"
It has been making me think more and more about everything. He is an understanding human being and I should trust him more.
He clearly is a very deep thinker and it would be good to talk with him.
My eyes grow tired from writing in my journal. I lazily set it on the windowsill and pull my blanket over me.
Matty's breathing changes and I've already grown aware of when he wakes up judging by his breathing patterns and if that's not creepy, I don't know what it is.
In one swift movement he lifts up my blanket and slides me over to him.
I feel his strong, masculine fingers begin to run circles on my back and stroke my hair.
I can't help but hum in pleasure.
His fingers work magic against my skin and I feel my eyelids flutter shut.
He sends my body into full relaxation & comfort as his body keeps me warm.
His soul keeps me warm, his heart makes me feel safe.
I feel my walls crashing down and there's not enough glue in the world to put it back together.
___________
I wake up and adjust my eyes to the darkness, realizing that I'm cuddled into Matty's chest.
His arm is wrapped tightly around me and I had been holding him like I needed him more than life itself.
I rub my eyes.
What is happening to me?
I stare at his sleeping expression that he wears.
The song title lives up to this very moment.
I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it.
He adjusts his arms around me and pulls me closer, kissing my cheek before falling back asleep.
I look outside and the sun still hasn't come up.
I'm too tired to wake up.
I join him in falling back into a deep slumber.
__________
His fingers run through my hair as he hums, softly waking me up.
I sleepily attempt to open my eyes and I see him staring down at me.
I instantly blush and pull the blankets over me but he doesn't hold back from tickling me.
I burst into laughter and attempt to push him off of me, which I eventually succeed at.
I quickly flip him over and get on top of him, pinning him down on the bed.
"Dominant? I like it." He looks up at me, biting his lip.
I release him and walk out of the room to brush my teeth. I want to be a pleasure to talk to.
As I brush my teeth, I take in my appearance in the small mirror.
My appearance is-- different. I look brighter.. rosier cheeks. My dark circles have disappeared and I look-- pretty good.
I fix my hair and take my makeup off. He's bound to see me without it eventually, but I don't wear so much for it to be like I'm a different person without it.
I say a quick "hello" to Tim before grabbing a pair of shorts from my suitcase and sliding them on.
Pants suck. Shorts are better. I'd prefer to not wear any pants and to wear this big hoodie with underwear instead.. but I want to be appropriate around Matty.
When I get back in his bed, he sits up and pulls me over to him.
We sit cross-legged and stare into each other's eyes.
He blinks, "Fuck, you are so beautiful."
I shake my head and playfully shove his shoulder.
It's quiet for a moment but an idea pops in my head.
"Tell me about yourself." I say with a smile.
He laughs, "You have to tell me about you, too."
I nod and think up a new plan.
"How about we go back and forth asking questions that both of us have to answer?" I suggest.
He grins, "Yeah. Favorite color?"
Well, that was fast.
"Blue. You?" I reply.
He rolls his eyes, "Black. That's pretty depressing though, eh.."
"Favorite food?" I ask him.
"Burgers are good. Sushi is great. I could eat a lot of different things. What about you?" He replies.
I laugh, "Grilled cheese."
"Really?" He asks, his accent making it sound more like "relay".
I giggle and mess up his hair.
He smiles in response, "Biggest fear?"
"Failure or snakes. You?" I say, plainly.
He sits in silence for a moment before walking over to the drawers I had almost went through.
He digs to the bottom of one of them and hands me a large sketchpad that is slightly worn on the edges.
I open it and begin to flip through, tears immediately pricking at my eyes.
Drawings that have dark, deep topics such as depression or suicide coat the pages.
Most of the drawings are from pencil or charcoal.
Some pages contain bodies but the heads are just dark scribbled messes.
Others are in relation to himself and how he views his self-worth. It breaks my heart.
I blink, "Matty-- these are.."
"My biggest fear is myself." He interrupts, his voice is soft & quiet.
He twists around the bed sheets between his fingers as I continue to flip through each page.
A shadowy rib cage.
A noose and a chair.
Someone drowning in darkness.
A man shooting himself with birds flying out of his head.
Someone cutting themselves but the cuts reveal galaxies.
The entire sketchbook is filled with deep drawings & it only gets darker.
Some pages are filled with words and thoughts of his in his scratchy handwriting.
He was clearly shaky when drawing these.. he put some of his deepest expression on these pages.
I shut the sketch book and pull him into a hug, slightly straddling his lap.
He holds me around my waist and I can feel his body trembling ever-so-slightly.
"You are not alone, Matty Healy." I whisper, holding him close.