Beyond The Curtains

9

 Today is the day of his funeral. It is currently eight in the morning, I'm getting ready. I hate being dressed in all black, it makes me feel sadder than I already am. His death made me realize how easily life can go. I just want to take in every moment- whether it's sad, happy, or exciting.

I hope up my drawer to grab my hairbrush. I haven't used it the past week, so my hair is knotted. The brush pulls on my scalp as I brush through my hair. Each swipe of the brush hurts, but it's comforting, knowing that other things hurt besides loss. I have forgotten that this past week. I set down my hair brush.

I hear a knock on my door, "Karin, you ready to leave?" My dad asks.

"Almost, I'll be down there in a second," I pick up my hand-written speech. Each and every word has meaning to everyone that will be at the funeral, but especially me. I know my family will try and comfort me at the funeral, but only I can comfort myself. I have to learn for myself how to be happy without the help of other, I know that would make Todd very happy. I glance in the mirror, I look sad enough, I guess I'm ready

I slowly open my bedroom door, ready to leave my cocoon of lifelessness. I'm ready to spread my wings and fly, like I've always dreamed to do. I plod down the stairs, desiring to savor this moment, one of the last moments of mourning. I'm tired of being sad, something needs to change.

My mom open the door leading to our garage. I keep my chin tilted toward the ground and walk through the door. As I leave I feel a sense that I'm leaving my old life behind. I know that I left it behind a week ago, but this feels different. I finally understand that I'm leaving I'm leaving it behind and now I'm not devastated.

The ride to the funeral home is silent. My dad drives and stares at the empty road. My mom just glares forward, barely seeming to blink. I rest my elbow on the side of the car and look out at the horizon, clutching onto my eulogy for Todd. I know he's going to hear what I'm going to say, that makes my stomach fill with butterflies. I don't want to disappoint him. Karin, I love you, I hear the echo of his voice in my mind, haunting me. I turn to my left to find the place he always sits. He never let the car ride be silent, he would talk on and on. He would tell some funny story that happened the day prior with an enormous smile on his face. His dimples would shoot out of his face like rockets.

It's awkward to be walking into a funeral home that has a sign with your brother's portrait on it. He smiles on the photo, it was his school picture from last year. I look into his eyes, he looked just like that in my dream, happy and smiling. It's comforting to know he's not suffering.

A funeral should be meant for elderly people who died of old age, not young, energetic teenagers. I know this shouldn't be right, but it's reality, I've finally come to terms with reality, whether I like it or not. My paper is all crumpled up in my hand. As we walk through the funeral home, heading toward the casket, many relatives stop to hug me and tell me how great of a young man he was, as if I don't already know. But I tell them that I'm in mourning, but life will go on. They pat on my back, call me a champ, and go to find their seats.

I saunter over to Todd's casket. I've refused to visit him before the funeral. I peak over the casket, my mouth open and my heart drops all the way down to my stomach. He has smile lines and dimple marks. His hair is just how I remember it. He has on a dashing black and white suit. That suit was my dad's, I recognize it. I'm afraid to touch him. I just want one last long hug from him. I just want one last everything will be okay from him. I sadly know I will never get that. I get chills from looking at him. "Todd, I love you too," I whisper. I know that he has heard me because I can almost feel someone embracing me. "People told me that I look like you, you were so handsome. I take that as a compliment. I know we used to fight sometimes, but you will forever be in my heart and I always have and and always will love you. Keep watching over me, one day we'll meet again," I lean over. Knowing that's all I can say without bursting into tear, I turn around and head back to my parents. They sit in the front row.