A Few Captivating Words

Monologue Medness

       "The previous semester's transcripts are here, " said someone from my class.

   "Oh, great," said my friend, who was standing next to me, as she started to make her way to the admin block where we would receive our results.

   With my heart in my throat, I followed. Why did the transcripts have to come today? I hope I passed. Please, just let me be one of the people who passed. I studied with everything I had.

   "Rafia, you even listening to me," my friend asked.

    "Sorry, I spaced out. Can we not go see our results with so many people around?"

   "It'll be okay. What are you worried about anyways? You study like a dog like the rest of us."

     "Dog?"

     "I mean study like crazy," Rimsha, my friend said as the line grew shorter.

      Oh, please, can you stop growing shorter. I can't believe I am having a mental argument with....

    "I passed.Not only that but, a 3.9 GPA," screamed someone in my ear. The highest GPA was a 4.0.

     I hope I get a 3.9 GPA. Or at least, one above 3.5. Just let me get one above 3.0.

    My friend went in next. She came back out with her transcript. She squeezed my arm in encouragement as she want past. The smile on her face said it all.

    I went inside. My name barely a whisper when it escaped from my throat that was hoarse with fear. I was asked to repeat it again before I got the  transcript. Folding it so that no one including myself would see I made my way down the stairs towards Rimsha who was surrounded by my other friends. They were all telling each other their marks. Apparently, they had all gotten above a 3.5 GPA. I hope mine's above 3.5. With that thought, I peaked into my transcript and felt like my heart that was already lodged in my throat froze there.

      "How much did you get Rafia?" asked Kiran, another one of mine and Rimsha's friend. She is mostly Rimsha's friend though. She had a 3.78 GPA and hers was the lowest among my friends. Excluding me, ofcourse.

     Everyone looked towards me.

    "I passed," I said with a forced smile that felt like it was going to slip any moment. "Come on. Let's go to class. We are going to be late. Plus, Dr. Fauzia locks the door five minutes in."

     My distraction technique worked. Oh, I can't believe it. If they had seen that my GPA was 2.88, they would have ceased to be my friends. I need them. They keep me sane. Plus, their study groups help a lot. I am so glad they didn't see. I don't want to be thrown out of their study groups. I am ranting and thinking the same things over and over again. I should pay attention to this class.

    I tuned into what the teacher was saying about the picture on the projector. She told us about the various surgeries that could be performed on a person who looked the way the picture showed and all the ways the ways the surgery could go wrong and what would happen of we didn't in time.

  ' That's going to hurt an awful lot,' I thought as the world around me turned into a pinpoint. A clamp closed around my throat making it difficult to breath. The sound of the teacher explaining became muffled. Oh, God. Not again. I clenched my fists while, I focused on my breathing and counting backwards from ten. Fighting back the feeling of lightheadedness.

   The clamp around my neck eased it's pressure. Oh, what am i going to do if the thought of unintentionally hurting a figurative patient causes panic attacks. What will happen if I am in the room with an actual patient?

    Dr. Fauzia's high-pitched voice was now no longer muffled. But, she had moved ahead. I struggled to figure out what she was talking about now. What am I going to do if I am spending half of my lessons fighting a minor panic attack? How am I going to continue passing my exams?

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