Blow me away- Phillip hamilton

No

I woke to sunshine flooding my bedroom.
My curtains were left open from last night, after having not had time to close them.

I woke up and rolled over to Phillips side and reached out for him. Outstretching my arm. It fell down onto cool crisp bedsheets.

"Phillip."

I whispered and felt that overwhelming sadness flood my system. I felt tears fall from my eyes onto his pillow which I desperately shoved my face into trying to catch his warm familiar scent. I smelt his warm smell of sweat, pomade and simple warmth, making the tears fall even harder.

I lie in bed for hours. My breakfast is brought as usual but I leave it. The tea and toast go cold. They take it away.
I stare into the wall. It's so detailed. I've never noticed it before. I guess Phillip distracted me. Tears. Salt in my mouth. A runny nose. I lie down and reach over to hug Phillips pillow.

His funeral is in three days.

I lie in bed all of that first day.

On the second day I lie in bed for half the day clutching my stomach. I hadn't felt the baby move or kick science the day Phillip died.

I hear a light knock on the door. I turn over. They walk in. They sit down at my hip. (Stop thinking about Phillip Rose) I look at them. It's Eliza. She puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Eliza." The first word I'd said in 36 hours.
"Alexander gave me this. It's from..." She paused.
"Phillip." I said.
"Yes. Phillip. You're being so brave. I love you."
"I miss him Eliza." I look up at her. Her hair is tied back, not down as it normally was. She was in a black dress. She looked eerily beautiful.
"I do too. He used to sleep in here. I can smell his pomade. It's so calm..."
"Yes. Thank you Eliza."
"Be strong darling." I flinch, Phillips name for me.
"Goodbye."
"Get some rest."
She kisses my forehead and leaves. I look at what has been placed on our, no MY bed. It's a small book. I recognise it as Phillips old book he used to write his poems in. I see a note on the front.

"Rose, when Phillip came to see me two weeks before he died, He wrote this. He told me to give it to you if he died. I hoped I would never give it to you yet here we are. Read the last page. You can keep the book.
-Alexander"

I open the book and skip to the last page. I read:

My dearest Rose.
I miss you. Please, take your time my love. Take care of Violet. If our child is a girl call her Peggy, and if a boy name him after myself. I want to Live on through him. I'm not quite sure what to write. It's like when we were younger and first courting. But this time you can't reply. I love you Rose. My dearest darling Rose. Stay strong and beautiful.
Your ever loving husband,
Phillip.

I feel tears seep out and I hold the book close to my heart.
Oh Phillip I will.
I will stay strong.
I will remember you.
I will get over this.
Eventually. Even if it takes a lifetime.
I will.
I sit up out of bed. I stand and get dressed. I pull on a black dress. I put a black vail over my face. I walk down stairs to the nursery. I see Violet playing quietly with her toys.

**flashback**
"Phillip we are going to be late!" I laugh and pull at his arm.
"But there's been a storm and me and princess Violet need to save the animals in the barn!"
"Well I think princess can do it with all by her self or if she needs a side kick I'm sure nanny will help! Come on darling."
"Goodbye Violet!" He kissed her chubby cheeks and stood up.
"Shall we?" He held out his arm and I took it.
"Let's go."
**end of flash back**
"Mama!" She squeezed her little fists at me.
"Hello darling. How are you doing today?"
"Papa?"
I see nurse looked down.
"Papa had to go away. He's gone to live with great aunt Peggy. He would come back if he could. He loves you very much."
She seemed to understand and nodded sadly. I put her down and she went back to her toys. I smiled sadly at her. I walked out of the hall and into the corridors. They were empty and not full of life and laughter as they used to be. I trekked them by myself. I looked at the end of a long corridor and I saw Phillip.
"Phillip!"
He walked towards me, pale and unblinking. He looked at me and smiled.
"Oh Phillip I miss you so much! Come back to me!"
He shook his head.
"Please..." I sobbed and he looked worried.
He put his hands on my temples but I couldn't feel them. I tilted my head down and he kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and when I opened them he was gone.
"No..."

I walk in the garden. Admiring the quite stillness. I remember sitting on the warm grass in the summer, just talking.

I paced around, looking at every tree, every bush, every flower. I spot the rose bush. It's still small, Phillip gave it to me for my birthday. There is a small clump of violets by it. I looked up at the sky. It was cloudless. But my face was wet.

I realised that I've pushed this away. I've pushed away what I can never understand. I've pushed away the unimaginable. But I have to let it hit me. It will come hard. But it's there. A big, think dark cloud of emotion and I let it hit me. I fall down and hide my face in my skirt. And I cry. I cry.

I think about Phillip.
The things we will never do again.
The things we did.
The things he said.
What he did
His poems.
His poems.

I rush upstairs to his desk and open it. I look at it for a second. But then I pick up one. It's about death. It's dated.
23rd November 1801. I read over it. Scanning down his words. Those words that flowed so well from his pen and mouth. I sit at his desk and read through each one, reading through years of writings, well into the night.

3:32

I read the last poem. The first one he wrote.

My name is Phillip
I am a poet,
I wrote this poem just to show it,
And I just turned nine,
You can write rhymes but you can't write mine!
I practice preaching play piano with my mother
I have a sister but I want a little brother
My daddy's trying to start Americas bank,
Un du twa catra sank!

I chuckle at his messy handwriting. I fall asleep holding the torn sheet of paper to my chest.

The day of the funeral arrives. I get dressed. I walk to the church and I see Phillips family. I see Angie. She is mumbling to her self.
"She still thinks he's there." I jump and turn to see Alexander next to me.
"We try and tell her that he's gone but she won't listen to us. She says that he is talking to her."  He looked at his daughter sadly.
"I've lost two children in the space of two days."
"Alexander you have me. "
"And you have me."
I hugged him. He smelt just like Phillip and I gulped.

The service began and as soon as I saw Phillips coffin I fell to the floor. The stone flags were cold as ice in November but seemed to be the only real thing in the world. I sobbed into my hands and Alexander was next me in a second. He puts his arm around me and I turned away from Phillip and into his coat. Eliza was soon on my other side. We were united in our grief. I sobbed into Alexander. He stoked my back shushing me gently.

They both helped me up when we left the church. We walked to the freshly dug grave. I held a bunch of white roses. They lowered him in and I sat on the frozen ground throwing in each flower one by one. They got shovels and I put a handful of dirt on his coffin.

"Goodbye my darling Phillip."

They shovel dirt on top of him. He is eventually 6 feet under. I sat there and wept for at least three hours. Alexander sat by my side ether entire time.
"I have an idea." He stands up and and then goes to a flower bed filled with small rocks. He finds the largest one he can find and places it onto of the grave.
"So we can find him."
Phillips grave is unmarked. But if you go to trinity church grave yard and look for a rock half buried you'll find him.