Pain and Recovery

Nightmare

I will add a picture later

This chapter will has a lot of self hatred and self harm along with starvation.

Thoughts
Destructive thoughts
Regular
"Talking"

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Yuuri's dream
All I can see is HIS face the one person in my life I thought I could love that would love me back. All I could see was him sneering at me, laughing as my heart shatters along with my will. He was standing there with two women next to him kissing him and him kissing back, his eyes never leaving mine. I started balling my eyed out yell "HOW COULD YOU!?" To him because he know how mentally unstable and how poor my trust in others is. All he does is stare blankly at me and says " I never loved you in the first place nor cared what you did to yourself you ugly pig, no one will ever love someone like you." That was the last straw I went into hysterics screaming and crying out why and how he could do this to me.

End dream

I awoke with a jolt breathing hard and sweating, " not that nightmare again." I've been having the same nightmare for the passed 4 months, sense my old boyfriend cheated on me with two women, not just one two. He also called me many horrible things when I found out about the cheating. I left him immediately after that, I was too mentally unstable to be around someone like that. Once I've calmed my breathing I look at the clock reading 4:55 am. I might as well get up and go for a jog, I know I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep. I quickly and quietly change into my running attire and quietly head outside leaving a note on the table saying I'm out for a run. I jog to the beach glad that no one is out this early and start on my laps trying for 20. After about an hour I'm only at 10 and am really out of breath. Come on you pig you should have more energy than this with all the food you eat fatso. I immediately get back up and start running again determined to get to 20 laps today. By which I did I managed to get 20 laps in about 2 and a half hours. I am extremely exhausted but head to the ice castle to make it on time for training. By the time I make it there with my skates on Viktor is already in the ring waiting for me with his arms crossed. I sputter our about 50 'I'm sorry's' in the span of a one. Before I could continues Viktor just pats my bowed head and says not to worry about it and that we should start warming up. I start my warm up with a few slow laps around the ring to, then attempt some small jumps each time wincing from my fresh cuts. Thankfully Viktor never took notice of my winces and I just continued on. I deserve this pain I'm not worth his worry. So after maybe 25 minutes of warm up Viktor called me over going over ways to fix my jumps.

Viktor's P.O.V

Watching Yuuri warm up I noticed how whenever he tried a jump he would wince, it was small but it was there. I decide to ignore it sense he wasn't yelling out in pain. So I called him over after about 25 minutes and went over ways to improve his jumps. He went off and started practicing on landing his jumps without issue but when he went for his fourth jump his skate caught on an uneven piece of ice. He fell shortly after, I stayed calm and called out to him but when he didn't get up right away I went over to him. "Yuuri are you okay?" I didn't get any answer but I heard quiet sobs coming from Yuuri. I kneel on the ice not caring about the cold or wetness only caring about Yuuri and if he was okay. "Yuuri? Look at me, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Do I need to call the ambulance?" So many thoughts were running through my mind. Then I hear it. "V-v-Viktor?" "Yes Yuuri? What's wrong?" No response. I gently puck him up hugging him I feel him hyperventilating into my shirt. "Shhhh" I say trying to calm him from what I assume is a panic attack. "I-I-I'm not worth it I'm so useless that I should just go die somewhere" he says through his sobs. "Yuuri what would ever make you think like that?" I ask quietly. "Ever sense I was younger that all anybody has ever told me no one would care if I were to just go missing I doubt even my family would really care." I slap him after hearing that. He now is holding his cheek where I had slapped him staring at me with wide eyes.

Yuuri's P.O.V

Viktor just slapped me. All I could do was stare at him. "W-w-w-Why did you do that?" I stuttered out confused. "Because none of that is true your family would be devastated if you where to end up dead to missing. Hell I would even be devastated." He states calmly. "You wouldn't if you really knew who I was" I said quietly getting up to leave. But Viktor grabs my arm saying "what do you mean by that?" I just jerk my hand back and walk away. Once I get out of his sight I bolt out the door after taking off my skates. I just keep running, running till I can't anymore which led me to the far end of the beach. There is were I break down completely not having the strength to keep myself mentally sound. You deserve to never be happy you horrible person Viktor probably hates you now. He would probably be so happy when you die so he won't have to keep trying to make you better. He'll be relieved. You are probably right I'm not worth all the work he would have to put in to keep me going I should just end it tomorrow after I say my goodbyes. After I finally stop crying I get up and sluggishly walk home by the time I get there it's about 11 at night so I quietly walk in and up to my room shutting the door and locking it. I head over to my desk and get out a pen and paper taking it up I start writing letters. To my family, Viktor, Phichit and anyone else I thought was my friend or rather was. I go to bed that night with one thought in my mind. It will all end tomorrow, all this pain. ME.