truth | park jihoon

15

back then, i told myself that i would only be focusing on my debut. debut, debut, debut, i replay that in my head at all times.

but it's different after kim yeonjoo came into the picture. now i seem to have a different purpose, a different reason to wake up everyday. i know she agrees with me too. we had developed a soft side for each other, a condition that might be the ending point of our relationship.

or whatever we call this, really. it's confusing.

i quietly walked through the sidewalk with her, adjusting the space so i wouldn't bump my arm or i wouldn't have my unconscious hand to suddenly intertwine with hers. we were just there, fully still and waiting for the other to speak.

the weather was different now. the rainy spring invited back the hot weather of summer, the radiating light of ultraviolet greeting the surface of our skin. now is not the time for jacket sharing or walking through the rain together using one umbrella.

"how's a class?" she asked first, her eyes fully on the road.

why did she need to ask me this? well, i've never told her anything about it, so it makes sense. "it's pretty much the same, just out of doyeon's grasp, i guess."

"must be nice, ain't it?"

"i want you," i stopped. "to be there too."

she faintly laughed. "sadly, that's not for you to decide."

"yeah, but my choice is."

"what do you mean?"

"kim yeonjoo," i turned around and faced her. "i.. i want to say sorry."

"sorry?" she scrunched her nose. "jihoon i told you, i'm not asking for apologies-"

"i'm sorry that i ever had to barge into your life," i continued, my hands held unto her arms. "i'm sorry that you had to meet me, dealing with me everyday. i'm sorry if i ever made you feel like this."

"i don't understand why are you apologizing for this." she looked at me strangely. "you're actually one of the best things that ever happen in my life-"

"yeah?"

she nodded.

"well, what happens if i have to break your heart in the end?" i asked. "because it's going to happen yeonjoo, and it's going to happen soon."

"you'll never hurt me." she shook her head. "you might've called me names but that's not going to change anything, that's what our relationship is all about, right?"

my laugh was emotionless, full of irony. "that's not what i mean."

"then what do you mean?" she arched an eyebrow. "you're not making any sense."

"this doesn't make sense." i stuttered. "you don't make sense, your codes don't make sense. never in my life have i ever felt so confused-"

"you're confused about me?" she raised her voice, "ask me a question then, then i'll make it easier for you-"

"kim yeonjoo, do you love me?" that came out of my mouth without my consent, and now i fully regret what i have done.

her eyes widened and she froze. even in this condition, she still never looked so beautiful in my eyes. her mouth flaunted open to speak. "yes, yes i do."

i was about to say something when she suddenly pulled me to give me a hug, putting her head on my shoulder. i  stroke her hair and put my other hand on top of her waist where she feels comfortable, and closed my eyes. "that's bad news, then."