diecinueve

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Hola y'all double update because wow I can't wait to finish this book and start another tracob fic okay

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"Troye Sivan Mellet?"

"Yes."

"When did you regain your sense?"

"Just half an hour ago, I think. What kind of a doctor are you? Didn't that nurse inform you about me waking up?" I said as my voice began to rise.

My wrists were bandaged up properly and I was sitting down cross legged on the hospital bed with the white hospital gown, rough and messy hair and some weird bedsheets covering my hairy legs.

"Calm down, Troye," the doctor said softly. I noticed that he had brilliant forest green eyes and fluffy and soft brown hair. He looked quite young to be a psychiatrist.

"So..."

"So? You are the psychiatrist. You are supposed to ask me questions and I am supposed to be quiet and not answer at all," Troye said.


"It's more clinical and professional than that. Okay, so tell me Troye, on a scale of one to eleven, how worse are you feeling today?" The psychiatrist asked as he fixed up his glasses on his nose.


"I would say, seventeen," I said as I looked down at my fingers which were quietly playing with each other.

"Suicidal?" The young boy asked me.

I let out a sigh as I nodded subtly.

"But like not exactly. I really don't want to die. It just feels like ..."

I stopped myself. He wasn't going to understand it anyways and then he would just drop off the topic.

"Like what? Tell me we are here to work on that, okay? There are people who care about you and they do want you to be alright."

"Someone who wants to kill me it's not me but it's me and that's annoying. I feel so lost. I don't know anything about any damn thing anymore. It's scary, it's so scary," I said as I pushed up my knees close to my chest and felt my wrists hurt terribly. I was trying my hardest just not to burst out here.


"Any love insterests?" He directly asked, dropping the topic as usual while jotting down the important points in his notebook, scribbling them in his own little handwriting.

"Taylor Jacob Bixenman," each letter of his name escaping my lips left me into a void of nothingness,pulling me deeper and making me feel nothing but pure emptiness and surrealism in my chest.


"Interesting. Taylor, her name was, wasn't it?"


"His. He is a boy," I said softly while playing with the ends of my gown. It's weird how just a few minutes ago, I was being a jerk and acting stuck up to him. It's as if once you start opening a single page of your life story to a person, the person finds it quite easy to turn to the next page.


"Describe him, if you won't mind," He said again as he placed his pen aside on the table along with the notebook, sitting back relaxed on the swivel leather chair.

"You are not gonna take notes of that?" I asked.

"It depends. I just kept that aside so that you could describe him to me just like you would describe him to any other friend of yours. It's just to make you feel more comfortable, don't worry," he said with a soft smile.


"Okay so," I began with a deep breath before continuing,

"Where do I even begin? He was a nerd, that's for sure. He looked so cute and soft and his lips were the most gentle thing you could ever touch. He treated me with so much respect, I really thought he loved me so much. And oh- he also had these eyes, these beautiful pair of hazel green eyes and fluffy dark curls. He was just perfect in every aspect. He seemed so unreal," I sighed as I felt my heart palpitate up with each and every feature I was describing about him.

"Unreal," he paused as he looked at me.

"Yes, unreal. Too perfect to be real. He made me feel the best emotions a person was ever capable of feeling. He was so wonderful and just, I was head over heels in love with him, I still am. But as usual, every story has a heartbreak and so does mine. He said he didn't love me back and I said I never wanted to see him again so he was gone. Gone forever," I said with a short breath, closing my eyes which were practically burning.


"When was the last time you saw him?"

"The day I attempted suicide."

"Oh," he said.

"Any siblings?"

"I had some, they all died. I don't know how," I said truthfully. I don't even remember how they looked. It was all a blur.


"What do you mean by you don't know?"

"They must have died when I was still a child and I don't think that I do have some memories from my childhood. They are all a blur. I don't even try to remember them because if I do, then my head begins to hurt a lot and I just feel like wanting to scream out loud enough for my lungs to burst."

"But we do need to know about your childhood to handle this. You must remember at least a small part of it, shouldn't you?"

"All that I remember is me walking barefoot on dead rose petals and broken base pieces. My soles hurt. My dad was angry. My mum was crying. Nobody paid attention to me. And another thing I remember is a girl. A very young baby girl. And the same words 'Sagey, Sagey my darling' loop over my head at the words. Apart from that just the old Beatles playing on a car radio as my dad looks at the back seat and smiles at me and the rest of us. But I don't remember who the rest of us were," I said. I felt the hammering down on my brain again as I took in a deep breath, trying to calm down.


"That would be it for today, I think," he said as he took his notebook and pen and got up.

"Are there any visitors for me?" I asked him in the hopes that Jacob would come and see me at least once even though I said that I wouldn't like to be near him ever again.

"You are not allowed visitors today," he said.

"Why? Because I'm crazy?"

"We never said that, it's for your safety, not theirs. We are also having you on suicide watch so like have a good time. I will talk to you tomorrow again, okay?"

"Okay, goodnight."


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Six chapters left hallelujah

Love you all pls stay hydrated and safe xx

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