Lost Forever In A World Of My Own

Entry 1

June 2017

Hey, it's Raven.

Recently, I've been stuck going in circles. Nothing makes sense anymore! The same things keep happening to me again and again. I can't stop it. I know people say it's going to get better, but see, they rarely know anything about me.

Sometimes I feel like it's easier to open up to someone who will have no impact on my life, rather than telling someone who controls my past.

So I've made mistakes. First day of my new school: I didn't open up to people when I had the chance. I know it was like almost four years ago, but hence, the butterfly effect. I keep my distance from most people. And while others hang out or go on dates, I sit back and observe. I know that makes me a kind of stalker, but what can I say? I would be much worse off if I didn't.

I just now understand the meaning of a quote, "If we aren't what we imagine ourselves to be, then is anybody else?" Because every time, every single time I decided I could be happy, I found out that no one was who they said they are. And neither am I.

Expectations are killing me. I'm Asian. I have to be the smartest. I have to learn a bunch of languages and know how to cook. And so I once decided that maybe, just maybe I could do something to stop it. I was wrong.

So I met a bunch of people, told them a little bit about me. These people were like any other person at my school, and I was the definition of different. So I told them about me like anybody else would- it was mostly lies, to match the personalities of almost everyone else. I told them two lies for every truth. And, well, I just wish I hadn't done that.

Nobody believed the truth. It was just too hard to handle. Most of them burst out laughing altogether. And that was the beginning of gossip.

Now, one person knows everything about me. The two people who know most about me are my best friends, and I've told them that not everything they know about me is the truth, and they're okay with that.

I know it's summer, but hey, its gonna end eventually. And I left school on a sour note, so things won't be all easy like they are in movies.

The thing is, everyone I open up to either assumes I just want attention or I'm lying. And now my image is branded as a liar, for all the wrong reasons. I tried telling my parents, and they assume I'm lying or have an overactive imagination. Well, yes, I know every school is like this. Ours is just extremely small, and gossip travels.

The truth. I can't tell them the truth. People always pry, and end up focusing on a problem that's not really a big deal. All my siblings are okay, and pretty popular, so I'd be killing it for them by leaving. (if I leave, all of them do, too) Because really, all I want is a fresh start! I want to re- do my middle school, and my entire childhood.

And I can't do that, because everyone thinks I'm okay. See, it's like a circle. And really, there's no real way out.

-Raven-