Lost Forever In A World Of My Own

Entry 13

September 28, 2017

"Kill me, kill me now I have these knives just stab me or kill me or make my head explode your stupid schooling is more important than your mother just take the xbox and devices and live your life but kill me first"

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what arranged and underage mairrages look like, in case you were wondering.

Dear god, where did I go wrong?

Did you like... ask me to chose my parents when I was high because I do not understand I have gone through this for years and clearly god is not fair.

If god is all good, he cannot be all powerful.

If god is all powerful, he cannot be all good.

I don't get it.

I want a way out.

I want a life away from the religion and bullying and studying and criticism and hatred and marriage and....

I want a normal childhood.

I want to have people who love me, as much as I don't want to admit it.

I want to be a little kid and have my mom sing me to sleep... not go to sleep crying and hearing her voice in my head, "Do better, be the best, why can't you be like her? Why can't you be more like your sister, look at everything we did for you, you should be so grateful that we raised you in this manner"

And every time my head touches the pillow, I hear it over and over again.
I feel it all, more and more every time.
The slaps, the insults, the punches, the books, the "hugs" which were worse than them all.

Telling someone you love them could be the best thing you could possibly do to someone...
Or it could be the worst.

I now hate it when people say sorry, thank you, I didn't mean it, and most of all, I love you.
Because..... they don't mean it. You don't even pay attention to what you are saying. It's just instinct, someone opens the door for you, "thanks".
Someone bumps into you, "sorry".
You insult someone, they tell. "I didn't mean it."

But I've come to realize, that in their own way, they're doing the right thing.

Even if it kills me.

But everyday is a new day, even though every night is the same, the most I can do is try to distract myself. After all, I only have one life.

I want to be a kid again.

I want my friends back, stupid "no guys" rule.

I remember being a stupid ten year old, thinking god was actually listening, praying that somehow I was adopted, that my family was perfect, not at war, whole, alive, and proud of me.

I've moved far past trying to make people proud.

I finally realize why people want a time machine so bad.

I wish I could turn back time.