My Crazy Hot Interstellar Affair

20. Mom Embarrasses Kids at Hollywood Gala Despite Being Warned to Act Normal

There's no word in the English language for the sensation of being throttled awake by a Katy Perry ringtone at full volume. Especially with a song about alien love. After being Wormholed to your apartment by an evil alien. And being threatened with extermination by said alien. Andie's head throbbed as she groped in the dark room for the phone on the cardboard box that served as the bedside table.

If only Katy knew what alien love was really like. Sure, it was hot, maybe included some probing. Magnetic touch, yeah. Cosmic kisses, natch. But, oh, by the way, it comes with a handy dandy death sentence!

Even worse ... Andie had never even set a ringtone. It was as if the universe was laughing at her. Andie gritted her teeth, finally located the phone, and considered throwing it across her bedroom before answering.

"Hello? Andie? Hello? It's me. Sterling. What took you so long?"

Relief washed over her upon hearing Sterling's voice—a beautiful, annoying, infuriating gripe. A lump formed in Andie's throat. Sterling was okay! Except for the fact that she's supposed to appear on some weird alien TV show.

On the bright side, now that the microchip was gone, Andie could discuss alien matters not only with Sterling but also with NASA, SETI, the U.N., and even George Lucas! Except with no proof other than the weird blue light arcing between her own fingertips, she'd probably end up being dissected herself. Then of course there was the new and improved non-disclosure clause of her revised contract. Even without the microchip, the aliens could wreak havoc on her life if they discovered her indiscretion.

"Hello? Hello? Andie! Stop talking to yourself, and answer me, dammit!"

Of course, Sterling knew about what she deemed "Andie's rich inner dialog," which was a pretty nice way to say that someone has internal conversations with herself. "I'm sorry, Ster, I had a, um, rough night/day."

"Did you get laid?"

Damn those best friend superpowers. This was pretty much the last thing she wanted to discuss. "Are you feeling okay? I mean the ... procedure ..."

"A little shaky, but it worked! My career is saved. Probably. But I asked you a question. Did. You. Get. Laid?"

Andie swallowed the lump. "It's complicated."

Sigh. "It's a simple yes or no question."

"Can I tell you later?" She had to have time to think. What good would it do to tell Sterling about the most amazing sex in the universe if Andie was never to have it again?

"Andie. Hello, Andie. What is wrong with you? Are you trying to drive me crazy?"

"No, Ster. I need to go back to sleep and call you later."

"What? No way. It's Saturday, remember? Tonight's the banquet, and it's gonna take all day to get ready."

Saturday. How long had Andie been ... incapacitated? She shook her head, hoping the contents would settle and rational thought would return. Nope. She exhaled. The truth was that nothing mattered except being there for Sterling on her big day. Ban Plastic Surgery Now! earned about 80% of its annual funds from this event. "Thanks, Ster. I can't wait for the banquet. I don't think it will take all day though. You, my friend, roll out of bed perfect. And I promise to brush my teeth and hair. Maybe shower too but only because the banquet is special. Don't worry."

Sterling snorted. It was adorable. "You are one crazy bitch. Dawson is almost there. Be ready," she snapped the snap of someone used to having people snap. "Mom's coming too."

Andie groaned. Great. Instead of spending the day crying in bed with a gallon of Out of this Swirled, she had to spend the day primping with the world's biggest movie star and Hollywood's premier pet psychic.