The Mind Of A Poet

Regrettably yours

I don't think you will even recognize that these words are for you. I knew you didn't feel like you were enough but I would have loved to spend the rest of my life convincing you of your perfection. Your flaws were what defined you. Your strength in the face of all your adversities, all the damage you've taken, you endured, it inspired me. Your beauty was unconventional and every day I have gone without it, without you, it tore my soul apart. A year and a few months have passed and we're both adults now.

The façade of childhood has left me. I no longer believe in the things I once fought for. I no longer recognize who I was with you. I doubt I ever cross your mind. Truth be told, you rarely cross mine. You continue to have this hold over me, a hold that forces me to compare all my lovers-past, present, and future-to you. Why? Our love was imperfect, abusive, tarnished. We held each other's hearts in our hands and repeatedly poked and prodded and exploited the weaknesses we found until one of us cried for mercy. We reduced the other to tears on more occasions than I care to revisit. I wished you nothing but happiness when you left me. You wished for me to feel every suffering this world had to offer. You wished for me to feel as dirty, broken, alone, betrayed, as you felt when our truths were revealed. I was fucked up, you're right, but you were as well. You are not without blame here. We were both too damaged to ever be good for each other. Your wish came true and for years, I have lived with a searing pit in my stomach.

As I sit here and write these words to you, I realize that you are the reason I am like this. You are the reason I am the way I am. You are to blame for my cold, unfeeling ways. I may have loaded the gun, I may have pressed it into your hands, and I may have aimed it at my heart, but you are the one who pulled the trigger. I wrote this to put you out of my mind forever. I wrote this for the closure you never granted me; the closure I used to repeatedly seek through apologies and professions of guilt while you turned your back on me, admonishing me with threats if I did not disappear from your life. I wrote this because it's been 4 years since we met and 1 year since you left and I still cannot get my thoughts off you. You ruined me, we ruined each other, but you recovered quicker. I am leaving you on this page. I am leaving the memories, the sleepless nights, the love, and the abuse here, in hopes of finally being free.