Ghost of a Girl

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

On an afternoon after school, I went to Starbucks with Jenna and Paige to get Frappuccinos. I settled on a Double Chocolatey Chip. My period was looming, so I needed all the chocolate I could get. As I licked the whipped cream from my straw, Jenna and Paige chatted about when and where they were going to get prom dresses. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Although Luke had asked me to go, and I'd said yes after he stared expectedly at me for five minutes, it really hadn't sunk in that I was going. And with a boy no less.

When Haven had been alive, we'd talked about going together during one of our secret sleep overs at Haven's house. Well, I'd talked and Haven had just listened while munching on salt n' vinegar potato chips.

"I could totally wear a tuxedo. Something that matched your dress. We'd be adorable together." I snagged a couple of chips from the bag. "What color do you plan on wearing?"

"I don't know. I was thinking like dark blue. Or seafoam-green. I saw this one dress online that I think would really look amazing on me."

"Everything looks amazing on you."

She smiled and tugged on a loose strand of my hair. "Awww, you're sweet."

I sat up. "I'm serious. We should go together. School's almost over. What would it matter?"

"You know we can't. I'm going with Luke. It's what's expected. Everything has already been planned, Daisy." She licked the salt from her fingers.

"Fuck expectations. " I jumped off the bed.

"Why don't you go with Dylan? He's a good guy."

"You want me to be there so I can watch you dance with Luke, and have his hands all over you?"

Haven rolled up the half empty bag of chips. "You said you wouldn't be this person."

"What person?"

"This raging jealous lunatic person." She got off the bed, and went and sat in the chair in front of her makeup table. She picked up her brush and pulled it through her hair.

"Well I'm sorry if I am. I just can't do it anymore, Haven. You said you loved me."

"I do love you." She met my gaze in the mirror. "I'm just not ready to come out as bisexual. Not at prom."

"You're a coward."

She put down the brush and turned. "Maybe. But that's just how it is. And you promised me you would never push me out."

Frustrated, I went to her and knelt down on the carpet by her feet. "I know. I'm sorry. It's just so hard watching you, wanting you and never having you."

She cupped my cheeks in her hands. "You have me right now." She leaned down and pressed her lips to mine.

That had been the closest we'd come to fighting.

Paige nudged me in the side. "Earth to Daisy."

I startled and looked at her, then Jenna. "What?"

"I asked you what color of dress you were going to get," Paige said.

I took the straw out of my mouth and put it back into my drink. "I think seafoam-green."

The other girls nodded enthusiastically and Paige said, "Oh yes, that would be a great color on you."

Although there was a smile on her face, I could still hear the forced nicety in it. She was having just as hard a time as I was with this whole charade. I gave her epic points though because to an untrained eye it looked like she was my best buddy. Jenna, on the other hand, didn't put as effort into pretending to like me. Disdain was her perfume and I smelled it every damn day.

But she would keep on pretending, so would Paige, and the rest of them would follow their lead. We were all in this farce together. Stuck to each other with the glue of grief and the paste of popularity. They had a lot to lose if it all unraveled. Their position at the top of the popularity pyramid, cemented by my yearning to hold onto Haven anyway I could, would vanish, sending them tumbling down into the dregs of ordinary high school society. To be average and regular or even invisible in the hallways and classrooms would most likely kill them.

For me though, it would be worse. I'd already been average and regular and invisible, so that part wouldn't bother me. Nope, I'd even thrived in that station of life. It was the thought of completely losing Haven, however tenuous our connection may be at the moment, that made me smile and nod at Paige in return. Although my stomach churned and I swallowed down the bitter taste in my mouth along with the froth from my Frappuccino, I pushed away the entertaining thought of plucking out the queen of hearts from this house of cards I'd built.

I wouldn't do it. Not with the hope of Haven's return swirling around in my heart and in my head.