Buzzfeed, Boys, Black Magic

coincidences

The year started out weird, but things really took a turn for the bizarre when we discovered the Buzzfeed quizzes were coming true.

It seemed like a coincidence the first time.

Abby planned a pool party and they guessed her age. She chose the flamingo float and the watermelon juice and the in-ground pool shaped like a figure eight. She texted me the screenshotted result, twenty-three, with an amused little caption:

Buzzfeed actually got one right.

Wow. I texted back. Well, a broken clock is correct twice a day.

I didn't think much of it. I slipped my phone into my left sweatpants pocket, brushed the cheddar and sour cream potato chip crumbs from my t-shirt, and went to the kitchen. Just as I had knelt and retrieved my nearly empty pickle jar from the bottom shelf, I felt my phone buzz.

Abby had picked ten ice cream flavors, and they guessed her favorite 1D song.

It's black magic. How did Buzzfeed know it was their version of "One Way or Another"? That's NOBODY'S favorite 1D song.

Abby has been my best friend for eight years. I know when she's being flakey.

Wow. I texted back. Well, a broken clock is correct twice a day.

This is creepy, brah. Don't summarily invalidate my experiences.

Coincidences are a statistical fact. I responded. Before she could start talking any hoodoo-voodoo stuff, I added: I was gonna finish my pickles, but I think I'm craving ice cream now that you've mentioned it.

I set my phone on the kitchen counter, placed my pickle jar back in the fridge, and opened up the freezer door. As I was deciding between chocolate therapy and chocolate chip cookie dough, my phone buzzed again.

Fine. You try it.

Beneath this, Abby had pasted the link to a Buzzfeed quiz.

I was a scientist. Or at least I had majored in astrophysics at college. I was an unemployed scientist. I intended to prove to Abby that there was no such thing as black magic. And experimentation is the fourth step of the scientific method.

I clicked the link and "bought" eight random things at Target:

An American flag print tank top (1)

A Rubik's cube (2)

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones' third LP, Don't Know How To Party (3)

A suitcase (4)

A box of Crayola watercolors (5)

Halls Cough Drops (6)

A pair of high waisted jorts (7)

And

Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo (I have delicate scalp-skin) (8).

My screen jumped to the bottom of the page and saw my result.

My first name. Unusual, uncommon, and in black boldcase font, all caps, screaming in front of me:

LEELA.

Buzzfeed had correctly guessed my name from my mock Target shopping cart.

At that point, I was pretty surprised.

My phone buzzed in my hands. Abby wouldn't quit.

Did you take it? What did you get?

I wasn't going to admit a third coincidence, though I could have. Abby wouldn't take that well. So I decided to change the items in my shopping cart:

A black knit crop top. A box of Scrabble. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones' fourth LP, Question the Answers. A different suitcase. A box of Crayola crayons. Visine Eye Drops. A pair of black skinny jeans. A box of limited edition Cherry Jolly Rancher Pop Tarts.

A completely different set of items.

And yet.

There was my name, LEELA, in all caps, at the bottom of the screen.

I sank to the kitchen floor.

As Abby texted me incessantly for the next hour, I exhausted every possible permutation for every possible item choice in the damn quiz. Each time I was met with my name. LEELA. As if Buzzfeed itself were mocking me. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA. LEELA.

LEELA.

LEELA.

LEELA.

Like the chanting of a schoolyard bully.

LEELA.

I wondered how such a thing could be possible. This was chaos. This was disorder. This was terrifying. My hands were already shaking when I opened Abby's text messages. The latest was the most gruesome.

A single, uncaptioned screenshot:

PUT EIGHT RANDOM THINGS IN YOUR TARGET SHOPPING CART AND WE'LL CORRECTLY GUESS YOUR FIRST NAME.

And her result, in black boldcase:

ABBY.

Now I had absolutely no idea what was going on with the world.

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