Buzzfeed, Boys, Black Magic

leela the chipotle f*ckboy

"The plan is to find a dude, get what I want, and peace out of there as quickly and as cleanly as possible." I watched Abby hop out of her Jeep's driver-side door. She set her car keys on her seat and looked over the console at me as she popped open her gas tank.

"You sound like a fuckboy."

"We're living in a fuckboy world, so while in Rome."

Abby snorted and reached for the driver-side door. She shook her head.

"What? I could be a fuckboy!" I insisted. "I could out-fuckboy the fuckiest of boys."

"Yeah, you'd trick them into taking you home, and then steal their Legos as they pour the alcohol you're afraid to drink."

"I don't think it's a crime to liberate a fuckboy's Legos-"

Abby slammed the driver's side door.

It was going to be a good few minutes before Abby's Jeep gassed up. The radio was off. I opened up Buzzfeed. I scrolled past an editorial about the latest shocking electoral upset in some fly-over state (of course, in lieu of recent events- both personal and political- nothing could shock anymore), an article about a shooting out of a Bennigan's in Cincinnati, a carefully-crafted Forever 21 advertisement masquerading as a listicle (29 holographic body suits that prove anybody can dress like a disco ball and look fly AF), and a critical-theory essay about sex toys, or what Cody would call some kinky shit (My Anal Beads Taught Me the True Meaning of St. Patrick's Day).

And then, a quiz.

Pick from an array of Ben & Jerry's flavors and we'll tell you how your next relationship will end.

This, I thought, this is necessary.

Abby climbed back into the Jeep around then, but it was too late. I was raptured.

"Okay, so, Thursday night. Are we thinking Chipotle?"

"Hush," I waved my left hand in her general direction and clicked impulsively on a picture of a pint of Chunky Monkey.

"Are you doing a quiz?"

I felt Abby's gaze over my shoulder.

"It's gonna tell me how I get out of my next relationship."

"The one with your soulmate?" Abby must have turned the key in ignition because I heard the Jeep rumble to a start.

"The one with the lovable pothead, who is clearly not my soulmate." I clicked on a picture of Chubby Hubby, and watched the screen jump.

"So we're still going with that plan?"

My results were disappointing. I think Abby could read that on my face.

"What?" Abby recklessly reached for my phone as she turned out of the gas station parking lot. "Did it say you're not gonna break up?" There was glee in her voice. "Is your twin flame gonna be reefer mad?"

"He's gonna dump me!" I said. "This complicates things!"

Abby puffed out her cheeks and lowered her brows.

"I don't see how," she said.

"I can't just swoop in, hang around long enough for him to call me his girlfriend, and peace out." I explained. "I got to make him decide to break up with me."

"Just be yourself," Abby said. "It'll happen soon enough."

"ABBY!"

"We're always single for a reason, bro." Abby rolled up at a red light and reached for my phone again. "Does it give you any pointers, here?"