TRIGGER WARNING! A suicidal teen giving up on life. Living with severe depression and losing hope of ever getting better. After an overdose, she was found by family and taken by ambulance in critical condition. Was the doctors and nurses in the pae...
I awoke to the doctor detaching the drip from IV, I was finally cord free. For the 100th time, okay maybe not a hundred, but my obs were taken once again. The usual routine, inflate the blood pressure cuff, put the pulse monitor on my finger and the thermometer under my tongue. This was repeated throughout the night, every couple of hours. It's impossible to get a full night of sleep in the hospital.
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At 2am, the realisation finally sunk in. I was going to survive. I sat up in my bed with my hands over my face. The tears were back and they were uncontrollable. This was one of the hardest times I've had since being admitted. The worst part was that I couldn't self harm and didn't have anyone to comfort me. I wish I could of said I was thankful to be alive but I knew that I would have to keep living with this demon inside. I was the one that would have to get up everyday and fight, no one could do it for me.
I did have a short chat with one of the mental heath workers, regarding on what was going to happen next.
"We will not be admitting you to the psychiatric ward" she said in a soft tone.
My immediate thought was that I was happy that I could leave and didn't have to stay any longer. Although, nothing could of prepared me for what she said next.
"Although, I know you want to be there."
I was fuming. What you'd really think I'd rather be locked up in a psych ward where I would lose my freedom to the outside world. She didn't see the fight I put up every time someone made me go to hospital. She had no rights to say that. I pulled the blanket up close to my face and rolled to the opposite side. If I wasn't feeling so sick, it could of been dangerous. The conversation ended pretty quickly when she saw my body language. That ruined my night for sure.
The following day, I was discharged. Going home and seeing where everything occurred was a bit daunting. Getting through that day was extremely hard as I tried to get back onto my normal schedule. I didn't want to wait, I wanted everything to go back to normal. Or lets just say as normal as it can be.
I'm extremely thankful for my best friend who helped the time go faster. The one and only friend that didn't leave me when she saw the sick me. Always available to talk to me on the phone and see me even in my most vulnerable state. Despite my illnesses, I'm still the person I've always been. My passions and interest are still the same and I can still find joy in the little things. I'm not going to let my mental illnesses steal everything from me.
