Its All Experimental

Routine

Have you ever felt like you did not exist? Maybe you were floating? Like you were just in a deep sleep, and your alarm slowly crept into your dream, and reality starts to seep inside? Like you are existing, but you do not physically exist. I have. In fact, for the majority of my being, that is all I had felt. When I slept, when I woke up, it always felt like I was not truly there.

James liked to say that I was something called a "miracle." I had not known what such a thing was, but he said it was something that seemed impossible but happened anyway.

I liked to think sometimes that he was crazy, that there was no one else like him in the world. Yet, then again, I also wanted to imagine that everyone else is just like him. Everyone is just as crazy and spontaneous as he is, but unfortunately, James said that is not realistic.

He said that no one is precisely the same, that everyone is so utterly different that it makes sense that no person can be the same, just as a snowflake. Yet, I did not understand. Every person he spoke about sounded the same as he was, and everyone else I had ever heard of. They had skin; they had blood, ate food, drank water, and were all the same. They sounded the same.

I had become so confused because I looked like these people, but I was never like them.

I ate, but I did not eat solid food. I drank, but I did not drink water. I did not sleep like everyone else. I did not act like everyone else. I was not like everyone else.

One day I asked James why I was not like other girls. He said, "Because you are not a girl, you are not a boy, you are a miracle." There that word was again. I did not know what the word miracle means, but I intended to find out one day. In the meantime, I had to stick to my scheduled routine.

Eat.

Test.

Rest.

Staring into nothing and then staring up at a ceiling is a very shocking change. Moving directly into nothing, then suddenly you're in something- it is tough to cope with. I would know.