lmao ok I honestly just need to vent and whine like a baby so I'm gonna drop all the big boy writing for now cause I just wanna talk??
K.
First off, motion sickness. Oh boy I hate it. That's why I stay in my room all summer, like a spider or something idk.
Next is chronic headaches. This ties in with the next topic but yeah. they suck balls. In all honesty they're mostly just a minor pain to me now but having them constantly, especially during conversation or physical activity wears me out, you know? I can take an extra strength Tylenol and that'll fight it off for a couple hours but pills make me jumpy and it always comes back so. What's the point even. Also? My shoulders? They hurt like a biTCH if I stay in on position for more than an hour.
Anyway next, intrusive thoughts. So I've had these pretty much all my life and they never bothered me until now. It used to be just random stuff like "hey , let's go hug a cactus" or "wow I really wanna buy an exotic pet". But god no they had to go to a whole new level. It's only happened three times, thank god, but they're violent now. I'm going to go ahead and say that I haven't been listening to or watching anything that would provoke these, I have no idea why they come up, and it's always after a really bad headache. They're also kinda more like short 3 second visions? I dunno. I've never gotten the chance to fully get the details out of my system so I'll be doing that in the paragraph under this. !!!please skip it if you are sensitive to gory things!!!
Alright so the first violent vision I got was of me. They're all of me. I was gripping the hair on my head and the skin pulled back to reveal my skull, all bloody. I know I know gross, ew. It seriously freaked me out. Second one, again after a bad headache, was of me again, and I had an incision down my abdomen, probably about a foot long and very deep. It was closed up but blood trailed the wound. The third one was the most tame, which I experienced only a few minutes ago. Simple, I was being choked. Two cold hands gripping my throat as hard as possible.
Ok now that that's out of the way, next topic is needles. ohmygod needles and shots. First off, they freak me out,,, passively? I'm the type of person that doesn't like to show nervousness or weakness even to themselves, so I don't know I'm experiencing it. That happened when I got my blood drawn. I was fine while they strapped me to the chair. Perfectly ok. I was fine while they prepared the needle and my skin. I was fine while they drew up my blood. I was fine while they took the needle out. I was not fine, however, when we got to the car. This feeling of overwhelming sickness washed over me and I felt like a lifeless doll.
Once when I had dropped some long metal pins during sewing on the carpet, I didn't bother picking them up, which I regretted the next day getting ready for school. I had sat down cris cross on the carpet to tie my shoes, and when I stood up my leg felt very tense in three spots. Upon looking down I saw that three pins had sunk all the way down to the bone, and I could barely feel them as I pulled them out. Wasn't phased.
It was a different story as I gave myself my first allergy shot though.
I walked into the appointment feeling perfectly normal. The allergist came in and told me to take out two syringes, so I did. Take the caps off, she said. So I did. I had to pump the stopper to make sure it didn't stick or anything. Then I had to take off the orange cap, which concealed the needle. So I did. I drew up 8 counts of the diluted pollen or whatever. At this point I was still feeling fine.
Then she told me to put it in my arm, so I did. Next I had to pull back to make sure I didn't draw blood. This is what freaked me out. It would have been so easy to inject air into my veins, causing a heart attack or stroke or something. At this point my hands were shaking violently, but I pulled back bloodless, then injected the treatment. I followed suit on the other arm. Minutes after, as I was signing the what would be daily chart to say I had finished, a cold wave of anxiety and sickness came over me, and my head felt heavy. As a person with general anxiety disorder, it's rare and uncomfortable for me to ask for things, but at that moment I needed to sit down, so I asked if I could, the words falling out of my mouth from my place at the counter. The allergist said sure.
I began to feel extremely nauseous and I alerted the allergist, who immediately brought over a trash can. I threw up 4 times, nothing coming up but clear fluid seeing as I hadn't eaten that morning out of anxiety. The allergist was now calmly trying to explain to me how an epipen works (she and I knew it wasn't an allergic reaction, but she was trying to prepare me for when I would do these at home). I couldn't stand looking at another needle so I turned away, and my skin turned to ice. I really wanted a nice warm blanket right then.
I still felt awful sitting up, so I laid down right there on the floor, and the coldness went away, replaced by heat, in which I was glad the floor was cold. Everything was kinda a blur right here as I got a huge headache and my mother next to me was freaking out. Next thing I knew a nurse came in with a wheelchair and wheeled me to a room with one of those reclining patient chairs, which I happily laid down in. She brought me some juice and I felt better after a few minutes.
Then my usual doctor came in with a worried expression. oh god I felt so bad about the whole thing. She had only seen me a few times on account of my anxiety so I had no idea what she was thinking, but her eyebrows were drawn together and I felt so bad. I said I couldn't go through with all the shots and it was done. I immediately felt horrible for wasting all this time and money that was so precious to my family.
The last topic was gonna be how I get jumpy around medicine and alcohol but that's self explanatory. I'm susceptible to substance abuse, as was my entire extended family. I can't handle my own medicines as such.
Lol bye thanks for putting up with me
