What I lost

Chapter 1 Willow

The fabric slips through my soft fingers, I smile softly to myself thinking this could have been real. I could imagine what it would fill like to walk down that long aisle. To see him standing there smiling waiting for me. Hearing all those soft whispers people saying how lovely I look how handsome he looked. We were so close I could almost grasp it, but life took it all away from me. I looked at the white mermaid dress staring at me, and start to rip it and I couldn't stop myself. People say you must fight for love to win it. But you don't hear them talking about the losers who lost to it, they all talk about the winners.

    Through my haze of anger, I didn't realize my mother walked in she came up beside me and grabbed my shoulders. And the sobs came and my entire body shook and she just held me because that's all she could do. My eyes blurred and I couldn't see very well but I saw white everywhere pieces of it, scattered all over the floor I didn't know how I would explain this to her but I hoped she understood. I stand up and start to wipe my swollen face I know what it looks like. My green eyes bloodshot, puffiness around them, my entire face red and the tear strikes across my face.

    I wondered if he could see me like this, destroyed by what happened confused by why he did it. I was angry, sad, and numb how could he leave me here all alone. I sometimes wondered if he even loved me or if it was just all for fun. But when I think those thoughts I push them aside thinking he did love me just not enough to stay with me. I haven't read the letter he left for me it still sits where he put it. I didn't want to touch it scared if I moved it then it would be official.

    It would mean he was dead and I didn't want to believe that, it's been a month since I last heard his voice. Or see his smile, to feel his touch, I miss him so much it hurts to think about it. I forgot my mom was still here I look up at her brown eyes and she gives me a small smile. I got my dad's eyes and I got my mom's features and body. "You don't have to explain, let me go make some tea." She said in a soft tone and walked towards the kitchen.

    I was glad I didn't have to explain I wouldn't know where to start maybe like this. Hey mom sorry you walked in on me tearing apart my dress I was supposed to wear on my wedding day but you know I just hated to see it. Because I won't ever wear it so I just thought why not tear it apart so you could get a good visual about how I feel on the inside. No that sounded horrible she would defiantly want me to stay with her. But I didn't want to I wanted to stay at the house I bought with him. I walked over to the counter and sat on the bar stool it matches the white cabinets and it fits nicely in the small kitchen with the stainless-steel appliances we bought together when he was still here.

    Everything in this house we bought together the furniture the decorations on the walls there's still pictures of us hanging on the wall. There's still glass from the last picture frame I broke on the floor. I silently watched my mom make the tea she checked on me twice a week making sure I bought food and ate it. Ever since my episode of not eating she had been a little worried, but I'm getting better at being normal even though I will never feel normal again can pretend. Make it into a little game I'm getting much better at it, I do it because I don't want people worrying about me I just want them to be happy.

    I want them to feel what I yearn to feel I wish I could feel those feeling of happiness again. But since that day I haven't felt one and I feel empty I miss smiling and I miss the light in my eyes. "Mom, will I ever be happy again?" She stopped stirring the tea and turned around to face me her eyes were glazed over and I could tell she wanted to cry. "You're the only person who gets to decide if your ever be happy. I want you to be happy but you're going through a lot right now honey it's okay to be sad." She gives me a soft smile I start to wonder when the time limit would be to stop being sad. There's always a time limit like there's a time limit to when you got to burry someone. And there's a limit to how mad you get or sad or happy.