What I lost

Chapter 19 Willow

The weeks went by in a blur, I stare out the window while my mom talks about something that isn't important. "Honey what is the matter?" I turn my gaze back to her and give her a fake smile, she takes a bit of bread we chose an Italian restaurant. "Nothing mom." I tell her which wasn't true, ever since I ended things with Leo I feel back to my old self but even worse. "Are you sure?" I nod my head and tear off a piece of bread to put in my mouth so I won't have to talk anymore.

I just wanted to go home and curl back up in my bed, but even that wouldn't help my heart ache. I know it was my fault I ended things, but we would have been both in pain if it never worked out. But then again there's always the what if's, I sigh and take a drink of water. My thoughts always went back to him, always wondering what he was doing if he missed me. I haven't even seen him since out last encounter. I brush a few strands of my hair back that fell onto my face.

I hear a giggle from the other side of the restaurant and I turn my gaze to see what was so funny. There he sat with a beautiful girl, my heart sank right away. I look over at my mom as I felt my eyes tear up. "Honey is everything okay?" I shake my head no, he was fine. "I made a mistake I need to get back to work. I'm so sorry mom." I stand up and she does the same, "It's okay honey don't forget to call okay." I nod and put on my jacket and walk out trying not to make eye contact with him.

The fresh air hits my face and I breath it in like it would save me. But I knew it wasn't I walk over to my Jeep and sit in it. The tears threatened to pour out but I kept them in. I was so stupid he told me he loved me and then the next thing I know he's out with another girl. But then again who could love someone like me.

I'm lost and broken, no one is wanting a lost cause. That's all I'll ever be I start the engine and pull out of the parkway. I sigh as I run my hand through my brown locks, "Winnie if you can hear me. Please help me." I say aloud I always did this when I needed help. But now I didn't know what I needed help for, I kept driving missing the shop entirely. I stop in front of the open gates of the cemetery. I drive in slowly and park the Jeep in the entrance.

I walk over the gravestones that stick up everywhere and try not to step on the ones that are on the ground. I walk to the very end underneath the tree and I see his name imprinted on the glossy stone that lays on the ground. Marking where his body lays, I sit down and the grass well technical over his body but I don't really like to think about that.

"Hi." I whisper out, "I know I haven't been here since the funeral and I'm sorry for that." I take a deep breath in and let it out, "I met a guy he's really nice and he's a painter. He also sings too." I let a tear escape I wipe it away quickly, "I really miss you. Why couldn't I be enough for you?" I let out a frustrated groan and run my hand through my hair again, "He said he loved me but now he's with another girl. I know it's my fault I told him no I told him we couldn't be friends anymore. Now look where that got me."

I shake my head, "I know what you would be saying right now, you would be telling me that he's an idiot and that I deserve better. And that's not true he's the one that deserves better than me." I sigh and drop my hands to the ground. "Marcus wherever you are I hope you are happy. I really do mean it, I'm not mad at you anymore or disappointed. I think I'm okay with losing you, I know I'll always be hurting in some way but I forgive you." I stand up and look back down at the grave that he lays underneath.

"Maybe one day were meet again in a better place." I whisper out and walk away, I didn't cry this time. I was done wallowing in the deep sadness that has token over my life, I was going to leave that behind and look forward to the future. And to do that I'll need to explain my actions to some people. I get in the Jeep and look at the time, I can still go to work and then do what I need to do.