the cabin 》h.s

twenty-seven

song inspo:

i warned myself - charlie puth

rooting for you - alessia cara

you should be sad - halsey

the man - taylor swift

chapter 27

[ R E A G A N ]

I couldn't remember the last time I had spent countless hours crying in my room and having a hard time sleeping. I mean, I can. I just try not to. But this time, it felt much worse than the first time around.

I was embarrassed, as I should be. I was worried, like I knew I would be. But I also felt empty. Like, sure this hurt like hell. But there was this hollow feeling in my chest that I felt. When I usually cry, and I mean really cry, my chest feels tight, and I can actually feel the pain it holds in my chest. But this, it felt unfamiliar. Hollow was the only word for it.

Perhaps because it's a repeat of what I went through the first time this happened. Which I would understand.

But I felt that just wasn't it.

I didn't sleep. At all. It was too hard. I was exhausted. Mentally, at least. But the second my head nestled into my pillow and I close my eyes, the events of everything that happened at that bonfire played in my head like a movie.

I didn't care that Harry screwed Mikaela. He's a walking sex magnet, no doubt. I'm not bothered that Mikaela turned out to be a fucking bitch. She's always been one, now she's just a bitch with an agenda.

And I wouldn't be bothered with the fact that majority of my school now thinks I'm a massive slut... for screwing one guy; but if what had happened in the past never happened at all, maybe I wouldn't be in as big a dark hole as I am now.

It's silly, I get that. I thought things would be different, though. I thought that if everyone found out, they wouldn't care as much as they did before. For just a split second, I thought I would be fine.

Boy, was I wrong.

The whole slut shaming came to a halt given the worlds constant change of view on things. Equal rights, racism, slut shaming and so much more, it's all changed. For the better. It's become a bigger topic to discuss more now than it's ever been. Before, it was just something most avoided to talk about.

Back then, if you said insensitive slurs, it was ignored. Now, you're called out.

So with that being said, yeah, I thought me fooling around wouldn't matter. It didn't. I can have as much sex with whoever whenever because I couldn't give less of a flying fuck about what anyone had to say about it. I fooled around with Jason, even Darren but he was a frequent fuck. I didn't care. It wasn't a massive deal.

And if anyone did have anything to say about it, I didn't fucking care.

But then I'm caught screwing Harry and I'm a massive slut. It wasn't being labeled that triggered me, though. But the flashbacks of what I went through, I just couldn't shake.

Granted, guys threw themselves at me like no tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I didn't enjoy it. I was harassed, followed and cat called to no end. It took me a long time before I lost my virginity, not that I desperately wanted to.

But I never fancied a relationship. I mean, I did. Here and there. But given the whole labelling and insulting thing not being as big a deal as it is now, in that moment, I lost the yearning of so. Because I knew, that whoever I tried to pursue anything with, would only see me as the girl who just desperately wants to have sex every second of every day.