Dear Evan Hansen Oneshots! (A-Z)

Q is for Quiet Boy

A/n:  Have some angst and unnecessarily thorough descriptions.  This was originally going to be kleinsen.  (I'm doing kleinsen for s instead.) The picture is from Teddy on YouTube (Good for you animatic).

WARNING: (attempted) suicide
But for real this is really sad.

It was quiet.  Peaceful.  The overgrown grass tickled the soles of Evan's bare feet as he stepped towards the middle of the field.  He had shed his shoes and his name tag by the car.  He wondered who would find them.

He stopped moving his legs for a moment and took in his surroundings.  The sky reminded him of a watercolor painting he had done in second grade.  Tangerines and soft pinks blended together, blanketing the world in vibrant hues.  Evan watched the horizon line, peeking out from behind the trees.  Just above the horizon, the sky was tinted a warm golden color.  The color of sticky and sweet honey.  A few stars were already visible, twinkling high above Evan.  The light from the sunset illuminated Evan's face and he took a deep breath.  An evening breeze rustled the proud and tall oak trees, carrying the fragrance and flowers, and leaves.  It smelled of freshness and youth.

Evan closed his eyes and let the silence wash over him.  It was quiet and oh so peaceful.  The dried tears on his face were almost forgotten.  On the outside, he was content and tranquil.  But on the inside?  On the inside was a raging storm.  It was tearing him apart from the inside, clawing at his chest, his throat.  Choking him until he could hardly breathe.  His stomach churned.  He was shivering and trembling despite the humid July air.  Today it was over.  It was over, it was over, it was over.

Good.

He had assumed that the thought would console him.  Perhaps bring him some sort of reassurance.  But the overwhelming dread and terror building in his chest would not be calmed.  Evan was scared of dying, but he wanted to desperately.  He wanted to die.

Despite this genuine need to meet his end, it was a full minute before he urged his body onward.  His legs felt like they were made out of lead and his heart was pounding like a drum.

The oak tree he had chosen towered over him.  He had prepared for this.  The state park had just closed, so nobody would be present.  Evan willed himself to find the first foothold.  The bark was rough against his skin.  He reached up and gripped the lowest branch.  He moved upwards gradually, at a steady pace.  He was careful not to scrape his hands or feet, but it wasn't like it would matter in the end.

Evan scaled the tree, only looking down when he had climbed about two-thirds of the tree.  The world looked different from so high up.  Almost easier to deal with.  It was neat with clean lines.  It was something you could fit in the palm of your hand.  Something you could control.  Too bad the real world wasn't like that.  Maybe Evan would actually want to stay if it was like that.

Just a few more branches at this point.  Evan pulled his body onto the highest branch and gazed out at the world below.  So calm.  So quiet.  He wondered if anybody even noticed that he had not gone home.  He had always been so quiet.  Easily invisible and able to duck below the radar.  In class he hardly spoke, and when he did his voice broke out into embarrassing stutters.

No one noticed the signs.  When he had hugged his mom extra tight this morning and told her he loved her.  How he didn't bother to finish his science homework.  How he had cleaned out his locker of the few possessions he had.  He wondered what his last words should be.  It wasn't like anyone would hear him anyway, unless he screamed them at the top of his lungs.  But he couldn't bring himself to break the perfect silence.  He wouldn't ruin something so precious.

Evan shimmied forward on the branch until he was nearly at the end.  Adrenaline coursed through his trembling frame and his heart thumped in his chest.  He peered over the edge.  The trees swayed in the breeze as if they were waving at him in greeting.  They would be the only ones to see and hear him fall.  Or would there even be any sound to hear?  Maybe when he fell there would be no sound at all.  Maybe they wouldn't find him for years and his body would be decayed by then.

Evan tried to shake the gruesome image out of his mind.  No turning back now.

Evan stood, his toes hanging over the edge.  He was surprised the branch could hold his weight for so long.  He watched the ground, bracing himself for the collision.  Why was the landscape so blurry all of a sudden?  He reached up to touch his eyes, only to find wetness.  Stop crying, Evan!  Do you want to die sobbing like a baby?

Okay, time for his last words.  Evan cleared his throat.  He managed to mumble in a voice barely above a whisper, "Dear Evan Hansen, today's not going to be a good day."

He lifted one foot, testing how the feeling of walking on air felt.  The wind ruffled his hair.  All he had to do was walk.  Like walking the plank.  Evan let out a bitter chuckle.  What a ridiculously stupid way to die.  He shifted so he was hanging from the branch with his hands.  He blinked away newly forming tears.  He told himself that he would count to 3.

He counted to 15 and that's when he let go.  And then the small world was growing bigger and bigger as he hurtled toward death.  It didn't seem so easy to handle anymore.  He was nearing the ground and fast.  Then there was a sickening crack and Evan's arm erupted in pain.  Pain like he had never felt before.  Was death supposed to hurt this much?  Evan clutched his left arm, panting.

Something was definitely wrong.  It hadn't worked.  He wasn't dead.  "No!" Evan screamed.

He had shattered the quiet.  But nobody had heard him.  Someone had to come, right?  Tears poured down his face and his vision swam, the pain conquering his frail body.  He couldn't stand.  "Help!" He rasped.  Please let me die.  Anything but the pain.

The only thing that answered him was the suffocating quiet.